I'll be back...

Hey, I'm MIA for a bit. Extremely stressed out with work again. They are finding ways to fuck with people's money and it hasn't directly affected Jayk or I yet, but I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall. I have a meeting tomorrow to see if it will affect me, but I really don't have the energy to go into it all. I hate that place with a flying passion. Just keep your fingers crossed for me. I will explain more later. Love to all!

Never say Never...

Here's your risque pic Brian! Mwuahahahaha!

So anyway, I really like the class I'm in, Introduction to World Cultures and Social Environments. It's been a pretty easy class. Now just comes the essay. Thankfully my final is based off an interview of someone who is either an immigrant to my home country, a person of a different race or ethnicity, or a person who belongs to a subgroup I do not belong to. So pretty much that's anyone. Lucky for me, I can make mine interesting and interview my momma since she's from French Morrocco. The other plus is it doesn't have to be that long, just 1050-1750 words. I type more than that in my blog sometimes.

Not only do I like this class, but this is the last of my elective classes, then I start into my core program in Human Services! I'm so stoked about this because as we all know, the sooner I get done with my associates, the sooner I can leave the dreaded job I'm in, AND this time next year will be that time. Then onto my bachelor's and master's.

Funny how time changes and things we hated growing up become something we enjoy as adults, and this applies to almost every aspect of life. Think about it, how many of us hated asparagus or some other weird vegetable that made us want to puke? Or had the annoying cousin that made us say "I'm never having kids?" I was one that HATED school and looking back it wasn't the learning I hated, it was the people I was there with.Maybe one day I'll blog about my traumatic days in junior high and high school, right now I'm not ready for that. But the cool thing is now, I actually really enjoy school now and I would be lost without it since I wouldn't have anything else to do. It keeps me on track, and eats up a lot of time that I could be wasting doing something completely unproductive.

You could have asked me 4 years ago if I thought I would be engaged, and I would've said "Fuck no, I hate all men and am never getting married." 3 years ago if you would have asked me if I was going back to school ever, my answer would have been, "I don't have the money or time, and I don't even know how to get started." 5 years ago if you would have asked me if I ever wanted kids, the answer would have been "Nope, I like the ones I can give back at the end of the day, but I don't want one to keep." 10 years ago, I dropped out of high school because I couldn't handle my peers constantly "ruining my life" (yea, I actually thought it was that serious).

Almost everything I said I would never do has become a cherished part of my life. I wonder when we say we're never going to do something if secretly that is what our heart of hearts desires the most.....

M.I.A.

Hey everyone, I know I've been missing lately. I'm in my last two weeks of class again so you know what that means. Things are kind of crazy. I will try to catch up with everyone this weekend. Hope everyone has a great week!

Friday Funnies

So I'm going to try something different before I head off to do all of my errands and clean my house today. We'll see if I can keep up with Friday funnies, I will do my best. If anything else, I just had to share this frickin hilarious video!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

My life as music..

While listening to a shuffle on my play list I came across a song that made me think of my brother Rocket's post a while back that can be found here: http://rocketstarinmpls.blogspot.com/2007/05/i-dont-quite-understand-it.html

Music is one of the best things us monkeys created yes indeedy Rocket. While doing homework and listening to a random shuffle of my music files on my computer, I stopped everything I was doing to close my eyes and listen to this one song. I think I could honestly write an autobiography with music that has touched my life and left an imprint in my soul.

The Samples came on; "Nothing Lasts for Long". That song and I have so many damn memories it almost made me cry just listening to it. But I just sat on the couch with my eyes closed remembering. My dad introduced me to this band along with many others. I got hooked on the No Room album.

Music ties me to places and times I never want to forget. Certain artists, songs, and albums will forever keep memories most would forget alive in my mind. The Samples were a big part of my late teen, really depressed screwed up, early adult years when I didn't know my head from my ass.

I remember so many nights listening to that album outside drinking a beer or mixed drink with my dad and talking about everything under the sun. Going to my dad's was like going to my own private sanctuary to get away from it all. Then there were times I would listen to certain songs and swear that they were written about my life, and it's so amazing how you listen to a song at one age and it molds into a whole other meaning later in life. "Nothing Lasts for Long" is one of those songs.

I burnt so many bridges and learned so many hard lessons growing up, and have spent most of my early adult life trying to repair some of those bridges. I missed so many things I wish I hadn't being a rebellious teenager, that I'll never get back. So even though music brings back good memories and ties you to a place, it can open old wounds no matter how much you love to hear those songs.

One of the best memories I have of the Samples is going to First Ave with my dad and my brother Rocket to hear them play. It was the first and only time I've seen them live. More importantly, it was the first time I ever really "hung out" with my big brother outside of family functions. I don't think he's realized it with all the dysfunctions we've both dealt with in our lives growing up, but I wanted so badly to be like him. I was just too self-centered and envious of him to try to talk to him on his level. So as I grew up and learned everything the hard way, he always lent advice when I needed it whether I took it or not, but as I started making better choices for myself, I noticed our relationship improved too. I just wish I had more moments like the night I saw The Samples with him at First Ave. If I had not been such a selfish bitch, I may have. So as great of a band/song it is, it is an awesomely bittersweet memory that I cherish.

I don't regret my scars or the mistakes I've made, because I've learned from them all. Would I have made choices differently had I known? Wouldn't we all at some point with some thing in our lives? Let's just hope that the band aids are big enough and that time really does heal all wounds......

Screw the weatherman!

This is what I have to say to the weatherman/gods/science that is keeping me from my favorite season: Screw you!

I am willing the chillier air, the beautiful colors, and jeans and sweater weather to come. I have started the spell by cooking my favorite fall meal: Chilli! That's right, damned the 80 degree weather, I will have an autumn mindset! And with this mindset, I am determined to will lower temperatures to my area.

I really hate this time of year down here because autumn is my favorite time of year, and I get deprived of it in Charleston. I hate the heat! I can't wait to dig into that crockpot tomorrow at dinner time!

Maybe if I keep this up, I'll be able to buy and carve a pumpkin without it rotting only after one day. I love Halloween. Pagan or otherwise, it is my favorite holiday. What other day of the year can you dress up as someone other than yourself (even if you do look mildly retarded in the French maid costume) and no one really says anything other than "great costume!"?

I want to live in a place that feels like fall all year round. Does such place exist? The last two days it's been raining like Seattle, hot like Havannah, and sticky like a rainforest. Ick.

On a somewhat happier note but something that will be stressing me out soon enough, Jayk and I drove around and looked at houses for rent. It was fun to look at all the places we could possibly live and what we would do with the places, but then those thoughts inevitably lead into how much money we have to come up with to move in, etc etc. So I just didn't think about that.

So overall, if I could have one wish that didn't involve large sums of money, it would be a toss up for cooler weather down here year round, or instead of wishing on the cosmos, I would wish to move back to MN or WI....hurry up fall....I'm not a patient person.

Where there's a willl..there's a way...

So I haven't done anything illegal to put myself in jail, or have a girlfriend named (Bertha) Mags, I've just been kind of existing. I've pretty much succumbed to the fact that I am going to be stuck at work for a while. I'm going to start putting resumes out there, but just entry level positions only start at 22k-28-k. I could deal with anywhere from 26-28k, but I think that to get those higher end starting salaries, you'd probably at least have to have an associates, field training, or be a kick ass bullshitter during your interview. None of which I have. So, I'm not full-pressing it as much as I wanted to, but I am still looking.

Plus my work has done the latest stupid thing directly to me. They just put me on a team with a supervisor that works Monday through Friday 2PM-11PM, which is fine and dandy because she's really nice. There is one snag, I work 7AM-4PM Saturday through Wednesday. So that means I will have a supervisor 3 days a week for 2 hours a day. Good thing I've been there three years and can work pretty much independently.

I haven't really been blogging because of the dark hole I've been in for a while. I can't help it. I've been stressed about a lot of shit that I prefer not to blog about. Let's just say when everything is going great it all has to blow up in my face. Jayk and I are fine..well kind of. Because he has been down and out about his knee (preventing him from running calls) and I have been stressed about other stuff, our communication has been taking a hit. The only reason is because when I get down and he can't fix it, he gets down and it's just a spiral from there.

Ok, our rental office screwed up and sent a disconnect order to the electric company for our house. It was supposed to be for another house. We got our security deposit back in the end of July with a credit balance. (We didn't know about the mix up in our rental office at that point.) So we just assumed since we've been at this place for a year that we were getting our deposit back because of our good payment history, like what our work does for customer's with security deposits.

Then, right before August rent is due, our office sends us a notice telling us about the mix up and that they paid a partial balance and could we reimburse them. Fine, no biggie. At that point, we call the electric company to see what we DO owe them, and they tell us wait for the next bill because the payment the office made has not hit the account yet. Ok. Fine. Wrong.

We got our bill this month, and they want $478.00! We call them, and they tell us that we weren't supposed to get our deposit back for 2 years not 1 and that we have to repay the deposit, plus the credit balance for July and then August and September's invoices. The deposit is $230. ($5 of that a membership fee, as if we have much choice on who provides our electricity.) I know that there are those much worse off than Jayk and I, but I HATE being screwed with money, and we had used the refund of the deposit for Logan's annual registration fee for school and another bill.

So beyond the $150 I have to come up with for tuition I have this electric bill hanging over my head as well...all due by November 5th. Our rental office sucks. I hate them with a passion because all they have done since we moved in was fuck us over. Now because of them, our holiday season is screwed. I found an alternative to save us, but I'm still pissed because it is one that I didn't want to use.

Everything is screwed up right now, Jayk and I are barely tolerating each other, Logan feels it, and I'm seriously stressed out. I'm beginning to feel like my mother and that is some scary shit. I refuse to grow old and unhappy. I may just call a shrink today. I have found that not only does being an adult blow big time, but I have no coping skills. The tiniest things set me off, and I immediately feel horrible about it because it's usually the two people I care about most, Jayk and Logan, are getting the brunt of it.

Jayk is upset because he has a bum knee. We go for his MRI today but the sports specialist we went and saw last week said it could be one of four things: a tear in his meniscus disc, a tear in his ACL, aggravated cartilage or nothing at all. If it is one of the first two things, he could be out of firefighting anywhere from 3 weeks to a year. So he's pretty bummed out right now, and I know that is weighing heavily on him, since he loves the fire department, he just got certified, and he wants this to be his career. But he's kind of stopped helping around the house and gotten sucked into some online computer game. Oh, and he's been putting food out to thaw meaning to cook it, and then forgets to put it in the fridge when he doesn't cook it that day. (Making the food go bad and then wasting money.) You see the viscous circle?

As I read others blogs and see other people's problems and stuff I feel guilty about my piddly issues. That and the fact that other than what's been bugging me, I haven't really had anything great to say. No one likes a whiner, but I'm seriously down and out. Right before the holidays. Great. Something has got to give. I know I'm a survivor, but I don't want to survive. I want to live. I will figure it out, I just don't know how much damage has already been done....

Never another call center....EVER

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and the asshole that is running it won't give me a break. Yup that's right I'm referring to life itself. As long or as short as mine my end up, I would prefer it to slow down for a little while. I'm recently engaged to an awesome man, and I have a beautiful son. One would think that I should be happy.

I'm not.

No, no, no, everything is great with Jayk and Logan. They are about the only two things I'm happy about these days, making me wish I could just lock the three of us in our house for a week or more and just hang out and be our happy silly selves.

I know I have said it before and time and time again, but I seriously hate my job. No scratch that. I like my actual job; I hate all of the bull shit that accompanies it. Last time I checked I am 26 fricking years old. Not 5, not 9, not 12, no I am 26 years old. Our supervisors use charts my first grade teachers use to put smiley faces and give us "GOOD JOB!" certificates with fucking cartoon characters on them when we perform a trick/ do a good job for the day.

I am dead serious. A multi-billion dollar company and this is the best management they can come up with? Seriously, what the fuck! I wouldn't even go as far to say I had a bad day. The customers were just regular customers, but the management in my department is partially retarded. We are herded and micromanaged. They think our wages and benefits are enough to take away humane treatment.

I can not go to Jayk's desk if there is an urgent matter I need to talk to him about. I have to clear it with my supervisor or his supervisor and explain why I need to talk to him right then. That's right, because we are fucking engaged and it is my supervisor's right to know every god damned thing about me and my business. However, if I was at home and called him because I needed to speak to him, we would not get bitched at. I could see it if I was at his desk or vice versa all day everyday, but I have work to do and so does he. We have faced many discriminatory problems since we started dating, none of which abide by the company’s code of business conduct.

I had to talk to him for 30 god damned seconds about a phone call I received from the school for Logan, and I got hate mail from his stupid cunt supervisor that I was not to be at his desk during work hours. You would think we were making out at his desk!

This is just one small stupid example of why my company can bend over and kiss my ass! We are MICRO-managed TO DEATH. We are not to take a personal without clearing it with our supervisors (so I gotta tell them I'm taking a piss if it's not a scheduled break). There is so much more. I don't care. I have officially had it. I may get paid OK, but I promise the pay is not worth the aggravation. And if I perform tricks/ do my job to their standards I get a balloon at my desk. What the flying fuck?!

So the new job search has officially begun. I will continue to perform their stupid childish tricks and play their fucking game until I find my new job that will pay the bills. Then peace out, I'm gone. Everyone cross their fingers I find something before I have a mental breakdown and have to go on Prozac and get stuck there forever. I just want to be happy and go to a job that I can be treated like an adult at.

He asked, and I said YES!!!!

Ok, so I'm cleaning house. I mean really cleaning, dusting, moving furniture, scrubbing, cleaning house. I am filthy, sweaty, tired, and getting ready to take a shower. My man comes home and gives me a hug and a great kiss, and drops to one knee old fashioned style with the little blue velvet box in hand! He had a great speech..I'm not repeating it on the fact that it was a perfect memory that I want to keep for myself for the rest of my life. However, I did not cry!

It may not have been the most extravigant or romantic proposal, but it was perfect for me, for us. (By the way Rocket, I tried calling you tonight to tell you! Not exactly the type of thing I wanted to leave in a voicemail!)

So this is it! I'm getting married! No, we don't have a date yet, we are going to wait until I finish my associates at least, and I won't have that until October 08. I'll be sure to keep everyone posted though! I'm SOoOoOOoOooO happy!!!!!!!

Ok, so everyone keep Jayk in your thoughts this Saturday please! He's going to take his tests to get 1152 certified. What does this mean? He will be certified to go into a burning building. He takes his written test first (but he's taking it orally due to heavy test anxiety), and then he does his skills test; he actually goes into a burning building.

The funny thing about it is that even if he doesn't pass the written, he can still do the skills, but remain uncertified if he passes the skills until he passes the written. Yes there is actually a written test. But we've just been busy busy, so hopefully after this weekend you'll see more of me! I miss everyone! Hope all is well in everyone's world! =) Keep you're fingers crossed for Jayk! My hot fireman! See pics below...lol

Today is officially cancelled.

OK so first I wake up and Logan has got a bug causing him to lose bodily fluids out of both ends. Poor kid. He's fine now, but it wasn't the perfect way to start my morning.

Then, I go to get the laundry out of the dryer that Jayk did yesterday (mostly his clothes) and a couple of my items, but there were blue spots all over everything including a brand new t-shirt that I bought for him last week! Low-and-behold there is Jayk's work pen at the bottom of my dryer. And there's blue streaks all over the inside of my dryer. Great. So I put shout on all of the effected clothes and throw them right back in the washer, clean out the inside of the dryer, and take a couple of shirts in our bedroom to hang to dry.

I get in my bedroom and am getting ready to move a now dry shirt to make room for the wet one I want to air dry, and I look, there are ants all over the shirt hanging. (The shirt was hanging on the doorway that leads to our patio in our master bedroom.) I hate bugs. SO, I suck it up and am walking the entire mess out into my patio and as I get in the patio, one of the little fuckers bites me between my index and middle finger on my left hand! Fire ants were IN my house! WTF!? (For my friendlies up north, these are vicious little pain-in-the-ass ants that bite you and and cause wherever they bit to itch like crazy and swell up).

So I drop the shirt in the patio and go back inside to deal with the rest of them. Instead of getting bit again, I call the office where we live to send an exterminator. She says "We'll try to get someone out there today." I say, "I have a four year old, there's no trying, I need to have someone out here today." (Bug man came and went, so hopefully that will solve that.)
I'm just steaming at this point because I've had so many problems with this stupid office at our house and I got bit yet once again! So after dinking around on the computer for a while cause I'm too pissed to do anything else, I decide that "chicken and french fries" don't sound too bad, and leaving the house for a few minutes may do me some good.(Chicken and french fries means that Logan asked me for McDonald's.) Then I'll be motivated enough to finish laundry and cleaning, etc.

Not so bad right? Wrong. I get back to my house, and as I walk in, I realize it's about as warm in my house as it is outside (approx 85 degrees). WTF? I go check the thermostat, and the ac is on and I can hear it running. I go check the vents..no air coming out. SON OF A BITCH! What the hell else is going to go wrong? I don't even want to know.

So here's my day -puking, shitting child leads to leaky pen in the dryer, to nasty fucking bugs, to a non-working ac unit. I give up. I hate shitty days. This one is officially cancelled. If Logan wasn't being such a good boy, I would have killed someone. Thankfully I have angel-Logan today. Not whiny-screaming-attitude Logan. I wish I could go back to sleep and start all over...grrrr...

Finally Some Light at the End of My Tunnel!

I'm scared, nervous, anxious, excited, and a little stressed out. I've done it. All I have to do is fax in my paperwork, and I will be on the path. I have decided to jump ship on my associates in business administration and will have my associates in human services management between October and December of 08!

After a long talk with my academic counselor who completely rocks, I have decided to enter the world of student loans, the pursuit of knowledge, and hopefully fulfillment and happiness in a degree that I am actually interested in. Better yet, there is only one class I've taken so far that MAY not transfer to my new associates, and that's only an added 9 weeks and one class...a small price to pay for achieving a goal I actually have a passion for.

And for once, I don't feel like I'm doing something too late. I am only 26 almost 27 years old and I don't want to wait 5 years from now to go back and then try to get in the field I want, only to sign for student loans at an older age. I want to enter this field. I haven't decided what position, but after researching the field and the careers in it, I feel confident that I have found my niche.

I like helping people. I always have. Sure customer service is a form of helping someone, providing services is helping someone, and that's fine. But I want more than just helping someone. I want to make a difference in someones life for the better. I want to be a success story to those that I help. I want to set an example for my child that it is OK to follow your dream and do what you WANT to do and not what you HAVE to do to get by.

I know that it is a tough field and the higher paying jobs require more of an education, but I have no problem with gaining knowledge. I can stay at Verizon Wireless until I finish my associates. Then I will continue to stay there until I can enter my field and still pay my bills. One year. That's it. That's all it will take, and as I've learned over the course of my life and especially this past year, one year flies by.

I know I will still want to slit my wrists when the alarm goes off at 5am tomorrow morning knowing I have to go back to the dungeon, but at least now I have more of a drive and a small light at the end of a year long tunnel. For now, that's enough for me.

I'm done..

The above is just a heeded warning my friends. I am having a fun filled two weeks of absolute bullshit, and I do not know how much more I can take. In the grand scheme of things I'm sure it's no big fucking deal, but everything is getting on my last damn nerve. I mean everything. Even Logan, and he rarely gets on my nerves.

Let's start wit this lovely multi-billion dollar blood sucking empire. Fuck Dell. I like their computers, but their CEO's and management deserve to burn in hell or bring their jobs back into the fucking United States. I absolutely HATE and LOATHE the stupid half English speaking cocksuckers that answer the phone sounding like the Kwiki-mart character from the Simpson's saying his name is "Joe" or "Sam" or even better the women with names like "Christi".


My first encounter with them was a couple of months ago when I future dated a payment and they took it out right away. The second was last week. As many of us know, many business further bend us over hot coals and rape us with "convenience" fees for stupid bullshit like same day/online/phone/check/credit card payments. Dell is no exception to the rule.


My balance last week for my laptop was $1,413.74. Not a huge amount of money, but that's a decent chunk for one lump payment. AND I wanted to purchase another one. (That's a whole other story). SO I choose to click the little box for SAME DAY payment and agree to the "convenience" fee of $9.95. What's another $10 when you're making that kind of payment right?

So after I get my tracking number and confirmation email, I log back into my account to see if my available credit shot up since I made the payment. Nope. Waited a couple of hours...Nothing. Damn it. Now I have to call these assholes to find out what's up."Samantha" or "Anne" answers my call. Lucky her.


ME: "I made a payment and agreed to the extra fee for $9.95 to process a same day payment about 4 hours ago. When can I expect to see my payment post to my Dell account?"

In her most scripted polite tight ass voice

DELL REP: "Oh, I am so sorry m'om, dis can take up to 24 hours for da bank to clear da funds and den it will post to yor Dell account."

Her answer would have been perfectly acceptable had she acknowledged I paid a god damned fee to pay my fucking balance off on the same day. Just completely skated over that little fact.


ME: "Then why did I pay a convenience fee of $10 to have my payment post TODAY?" I got the same damn response. Exact same response. I'm getting pissed at this point.

ME again: "Maybe you don't understand what SAME day payment means. It means I paid $10 extra dollars that I didn't have to, so I could turn around and give your company more business. If it takes 24 hours to post to the Dell account, it should state that online, and I would like you to waive the fee, since I could have just as easily posted a next day payment and avoided the fee all together."


STUPID DELL REP: "Oh, I so sorry m'om, I cannot waive da fee. It is standard fee. You made agreement to pay da fee, I cannot waive it, since payment already confirmed."

My blood is boiling, but I am still trying to keep my cool at this point. I know how much customer service sucks. I want to slit my wrists everyday I wake up and have to go to work. (Yet another blog in itself).


ME: "OK, I UNDERSTAND your job. I happen to work for a multi-billion dollar company doing EXACTLY what you do EVERY day. If we do not fully disclose something to a customer, we work with them. If there is a miscommunication, we fix it and make sure it doesn't happen again. Obviously $10 is not that much money since I'm already giving you $1400, but this is ridiculous. I hate to do this, but if you are unwilling to credit back or waive the $10, I want you to put me on the phone with a supervisor or someone who will." (I'm cringing at the fact that I am turning into the customer I hate until...)


DELL REP: "M'om, you are being da very rude, and I do not waive fee for you because it standard fee, and I will not get da supervisor, da fee will show on dee next bill."


ME:"Are you serious?!, Ok, here's what I'll do. I'll have the account holder (Jayk) call back in an hour, cancel the account, and I'll take my business elsewhere. Have a nice fucking day." (click).

This is the second time I had to have Jayk call in after I tried reasoning with them and they were assholes to me. I fucking hate Dell. I love their computers. I hate their fucking service. I know how my customers feel. It makes me even less empathetic.


Look at today for example. Customer calls in and practically rips my face off because her $.40 credit has not appeared in the store's system and it was entered in 5 min ago. She was SCREAMING! WTF?!? $.40 god damned cents! This is not my life, this is not my life. I am so tired of piddly shit that people fucking freak out about.


I had one guy tell me today and I quote, "I'm going to call the Attorney General of MD, and uhh..uhh..the FCC, and uhhh...uhhh.." I interject with "The Better Business Bureau?" Needless to say, he caught on to the fact that I was being a sarcastic bitch and that call is still pending a call back tomorrow, but I could care less. He was pissed over his 14 year old daughter using $25 worth of text messaging which I even offered to credit half since he said to me, "yea, I knew she was doing it, but this is still ridiculous..blah blah blah". And yet he still continued to throw his tantrum because I wouldn't give it all to him.


Fuck that job, that place, and the stupid assholes that call me everyday. On top of that, we set up follow ups for big credits or bill reworks, and now instead of giving us offline time (time off the phones) to do our follow ups (part of our job description), they want us to work offline OT to complete them instead of giving us time during our shift! FUCK THAT! I have a 4 year old, I'm going to school, and the last thing I want to do is stay in that damned building that wants me to do more, get paid less, and kiss people's ass? HELL NO! This bitch stops working for you at 4 o'clock...everyday.


I keep telling myself this is just a really bad rut. But it's only getting worse. Sorry for the lengthy rant, or bitch session. The only good news I have to report is finals are done, I'm off for a week, and so far, I got an A in my Information Technology class! I need more good news to weigh it out though. Damn life and all its bullshit. Good night.

Focused

As the ongoing self-inventory continues, not only did I decide that I need a new career, I just need a whole new out look. One that starts with the way I view myself. From a very young age, being the only youngest girl in the family; I was given a gauntlet of advice on how to behave, look, speak, and even think.

I was told not to get fat, not to swear, and always be independent with a high self esteem. I had most of this shortened list figured out until adulthood. The one thing that stuck is I am extremely independent. The rest of it went out the window somewhere along the way. So, I have decided it is time to fix it.

I am not dieting, and I did not quit smoking. I like to eat what I like to eat, and smoking keeps me from going insane. I know, I know, it's all in my head about smoking, but right now I am taking baby steps. I still eat what I want, just less of it, and I am damned and determined to continue to work out. It is just the beginning stages as I have only gone to work out the past two days, but I WILL keep going. I have also decided to grow out my hair again as a self-test of patience and longevity...and so I can just put it in a pony tail or bun when I'm tired of it.

As far as my education goes, I took out student loans for part of this year so I could avoid getting taxed the hell out of at the end of the year had I kept Verizon Wireless as my primary source of tuition. I decided after my associate's in business (which after the 19th of August, I will be half way through with a 3.92 GPA!) I am going to change my field. I will then be seeking out my bachelor's in human services. Not quite sure what position I will be after just yet, but I have a few ideas.

I am approaching 30 and I will not struggle the rest of my life like my mother did. Bless her heart, I love her to death, but I refuse to be 50-something with a life of regrets, and an attitude of negativity. I truly believe life is what YOU make of it. I am not a victim of my life or my circumstance. I do not want to just survive. I want to do something I like, and be comfortable in life, and damnit, I will!

I have been lucky enough in life to be surrounded by people that love and support me and inspire me. Thanks to all of them, I learned how to think for myself. Though growing up, I thought they were trying to control me, but really, they were just giving me the tools to do it on my own. Thanks Rocket, Randel, mom, and dad, for all playing an awesome role in my life!

Waste not, want not..

Waste.

Wasting time,

Wasting talent,

Wasting food,

Wasting knowlege.

Waste of environment,

Waste of space,

Waste of everything,

it has no place.

Today I was sitting at work and I was extremely fed up. I was having a damn shitfit. I am so fed up with everything. I can not stand it. I know it sounds pessimistic, but I feel like I just live in the word WASTE. What set me off was this stupid asshole at work who thinks he is smart enough to run the world, or at least Verizon Wireless as he passed out these handouts.

These handouts are practically scripts for things we should say to our customers when they ask about a specific thing, or indicate they're thinking of cancelling service, blah blah blah. Me being the outspoken, blunt person I am say, "When did I move to India and start working for Dell?" He just looked at me like I had just thrown up on his shoes and walked away. This guy is a fucking idiot. He is a politic. He is a perfect politic. I hate politicians as equally as I hate dishonest, backstabbing, ass kissers. They make me sick. To me these people are miserable wastes of space, air, time and energy. But this asshole is perfect at moving people just like him up in the company, and for whatever reason he has some major pull there. Just not with me. He can kiss my big white ass.

He is a perfect example of why I do not want to be a part of a multi-billion dollar blood sucking empire. He is almost worth a whole other blog on his own.

On to my next waste. Waste of time. So many people are a colossal waste of time. I get so pissed when I think I'm getting to know someone, and then suddenly they morph into the type of people I can not stand. I like a lot of people, but I hate people just as equally. When the ONLY thing I hear out of people's mouths is rumors, or "shit" about other people and how they're losers or they did this, and she did that, blah blah blah is coming out of your mouth, I TUNE OUT.

I have experienced this lately, and it is frustrating. Whenever I meet someone, I give them the benefit of the doubt. I know that sounds shitty, and possibly even naive, but that's the way I am. I trust you until you fuck me over, and 8 times out of 10 it's inevitable to happen anyway. I will hang out with you, but if you constantly talk about other people, I will not give you any ammunition to spew bullets with my name on them when I'm not around.

High school never ends, no matter how "grown-up" we get. It may be sad at 26 I'm just now realizing this, but it's true! No, I didn't just have a bad day at work, I've been taking serious inventory of myself, and people I surround myself with. I have hit the point where I don't tell anyone anything about myself except to the few people I trust ie: my family, Ali, Annie, and Jayk. I have some other friends that I would like to trust the way I trust the above mentioned people, and they may get to that point one day, but I just don't. It's nothing personal against them, but I do not feel the need to waste my energy with sharing big parts of myself with them only to chance shit hitting the fan; see...another waste.

Ehh. I hate it when I have realizations that hit me like a brick wall that make me feel so empty and lonely sometimes. I am tired of living in a wasteful world, but I am pretty damn sure that it isn't going away anytime soon. I could go on and on, but I think that's about all I can spit out right now without raising my blood pressure to an unhealthy point. Hope you enjoyed the rant. Good night.

How cute is this?

What a cutie! I was working hard on a paper, and my little man got absorbed into a movie on the Disney channel. It's amazing how much my baby boy has grown! I can't believe he'll be four in less than a month. I look up and he's just lounging away like a little man munching on some popcorn...just a priceless moment that I wanted to share with everyone! Hope everyone has a great week!

They're not spectacular but...

Friday was the day that I noticed the bite, and being as allergic as I am to bug bites, I chalked it up to one of those. So here is the Friday Pic when I first noticed it:

Then Sunday morning I noticed it had gotten much larger, and my co-workers, managers, and my associate director sent me off to the doctor, and this one was taken there:

The scary part was that it did not itch too much, it was really hard around the actual bite (You can kind of see where there is a lighter circle that whole part was hard) and then the dark red part was hot, and felt like my skin was burning inside. What's worse, is after I left the doctor's office, it got even bigger and went half way down my calf. I was so upset the camera was the last thing on my mind..sorry.

Update:

Since I've been taking the antibiotic, I know only have a small hard part around the bite and no redness really. It NOW itches like hell however. Fucking bugs and spiders and stuff. We dusted ALL over the house, and damned if we didn't kill 3 more spiders last night! I didn't think to take any pics of the ones we smashed, but I will be sure to remember the next time I see one as I'm sure there will be more. The stupid rental office said they would come Friday and spray. All I have to say if something bites my little man, the office manager is going to have hell to pay.

Oh, and FYI, I did not know it bit me because I think it happened in my sleep. I'm pretty sure I would have felt a bite like this. =)

You wanna stick me where?!?!

Ok so anyone who has been in SC knows that the bug and spider population is insane, and they are twice the size of the nasty little shits in MN. I'm so serious. I have never seen or even heard of a brown recluse spider until I moved to the South. And it's very possible that the night before last one fucking bit me! Yesterday when I noticed the bite, it was just a little red around the bite, and it was about the size of a quarter. Today I wake up and it was the size of a sand dollar.

Now I'm extremely allergic to mosquito bites and such, and at first just thought I got bit a couple of times and that was that. But then I go to work, and people look at it and how hard it is around the bite and how big the redness is and says, you need to go to the doctor, that looks like a spider bite, and the area around the actual bite is burning hot. It even stings just a bit. So I'm like, great. This is exactly what I needed. A massive bite, I know I'm sweet, but this is ridiculous. ;-)

Off to the doctor I go, and this is not my normal doc mind you, this is Doctor's Care (Doc in a box pretty much) and she looks at it and is like, oh, well there's no black or blue marks around it, so it probably isn't a recluse bite. She then gives me the exciting news I'm going to get a shot of antibiotic in my butt, and she's going to make a small incision in my leg to do a culture on the fluid. Oh, and while we're at it, we may as well do my tetanus shot since I have no clue when the last one I got was.

So first comes the tetanus shot. That bitch hurt! It felt like someone slugged me with a god damn sledge hammer, and then after time went on it just got worse. Next they start rubbing iodine (without even asking me if I'm allergic to it, thankfully I'm not) and tell me they're going to give a shot to numb the area. Ok, no biggie, I won't feel the cut so great. Mind you the shot of Lidocaine burns like hell going into my leg! Fan-fuckin-tastic I tell ya. Then she doesn't even cut on the actual bite site, just a little ways from it, bandages me up and gives me my antibiotic shot in the arse. Says the culture will be back in a couple days. Take the antibiotics she's prescribing me and I should be fine.

Ok, so I go back to work, and 8 hours after this little office visit, I look at my leg, and both the harder area and the red area have expanded. Shit! On top of that, my nerves are kicking, my arse, my arm, and my leg are sore, and I just barfed up my lunch when I got home! I left my general practitioner a message to call me just to see what he thinks I should do at this point, and he called me back..

Get this, the fucking bitch that gave me 2 prescriptions, cut my leg and gave me three shots overdid everything! He said even if it was a recluse bite, I wouldn't see the puss for 5-6 days, so it was unnecessary for her to cut my leg. He said just to take 1 of the antibiotics not both, and if it's worse by Monday call him. I LOVE my doctor. He is awesome. He totally calmed me down, and explained everything to me.

Great. Sore arm, sore leg, and sore arse for nothing. I'm going out to dinner now. Fuck doctors in box! I was so scared after everything, I got sick! Grrr! I HATE throwing up!

I don't want to be a Toys R Us Kid!

18 days since my last post. That's horrible. I'm sorry. So anyway, um, uh, yea:

So Jayk is on another call right now, Logan is sleeping, and I finally have a quiet moment to myself. I got a TON of stuff done today that I feel really good about. I finished all of the laundry, folded it, and put it away (sorry Kyra, it's got to be done ;-) ) and I picked up the house, vacuumed, and we rearranged our bedroom. Long story, but it ended with a new box spring and bed frame! LMAO! So all in all, it was a pretty good day. Now I just have one more assignment to do, and I'm done with my task list for the day.

I've completely caved on the quitting smoking thing. Jayk and I lasted 4 days and then we wanted to kill each other. So that's out. We'll try again soon though considering we don't really have the money right now to support this little nasty habit. I don't feel too guilty about it, so I guess I have the wrong mindset and may not be ready to quit smoking.

One thing I know I am ready to quit, is trying to figure out what the hell I want to be when I grow up. It's like I've been taking this self-inventory and I know that I don't like one minor but sort of major thing that I have control over in my life. I do not like my job/career path. It means nothing to me. I don't necessarily hate the job itself, but to me it's meaningless. I don't feel like I actually DO something by being employed by a multi-billion dollar blood sucking company. Imagine that right? So what do I want to be? I'm creative, but I do not know what kind of living my creativity could really make me. Just because I'm creative does not mean I have the talent to make money to earn my share. I'm smarter than the average bear, and am half way through my associate's in business administration. How fucking boring is that? No offense to my business minded brother, and other business people out there, I'm just bored shitless with it.

I'm seriously considering changing my degree and have opted for student loans so I do not have to be dependent on my employer to completely pay for my schooling, therefore having to pursue something relating to their blood sucking ways. I know what I don't want to do based on my personal knowledge and my personality: I don't want to be a firefighter, EMT, or cop. I can't stomach what they see. I'd be committed to a mental institution after the first horrific scene. Plus I'd be too scared something would happen to me or Jayk for that matter, and leave Logan an orphan. I just can't do that.

I do want a career. I just don't know in what. I hate this. I'm not happy where I am as far as my career and income are at, but I don't know where I would be truly happy. Either one of two things have to happen: I either have to have a complete epiphany, or I have to start doing research about all sorts of fields of work. I'm almost 27 and it's like I have no direction. I could just stay where I'm at, but I really have no interest in what I do. Something that keeps popping in my head is to go towards the department of social services. But I have no idea what that entails. Blah. Time for more self inventory.

Any ideas? Suggestions? Is it too late at 27 to make a career change?

Hello?!?!?!?

I know I am slack. I am a bad blogger friend. I am sorry.

Remember that cult like thing I told everyone about that I was afraid I was getting thrown into? Yea, not so much. It is nothing like a cult to be a firefighter's girlfriend. It's seriously like inheriting a HUMONGOUS family!

Friday after the memorial we went to the cookout at Caromi (Jayk's department), and then that night we went downtown to see some Marques's friends from out of state. When I say out of state, I mean out of state. I met firefighters from across the United States.

The brotherhood that firefighters refer to is real. I experienced it at it's finest. We partied with firefighters from Wisconsin, California, New York, Pennsylvania, Washington DC, Washington state, Colorado, London, Houston, Maryland, and even Canada. I'm sure I've forgotten some, but there were so many! I've never seen anything like it. There were even guys sitting behind us at the memorial service from Chicago.

I will say this much, it renewed the little hope I had left that there were sincerely good people left in the world. These men were all amazing. We partied with FDNY Emerald Society guys (the pipes and drum players that play at fire fighter's funerals, events, and parades etc.).

Everyone keeps asking me how I can let Jayk continue volunteering after what happened, my answer is automatic, "I wouldn't want him to be a part of anything else." The guys at his department and their wives are all amazing people. I'm so happy and proud to be a part of it!

Back to my apology, I am sorry. I could make excuses but excuses are like assholes..you know, everyone's got one...hope all my blogger peeps are doing as great as I am! =)