Waste not, want not..

Waste.

Wasting time,

Wasting talent,

Wasting food,

Wasting knowlege.

Waste of environment,

Waste of space,

Waste of everything,

it has no place.

Today I was sitting at work and I was extremely fed up. I was having a damn shitfit. I am so fed up with everything. I can not stand it. I know it sounds pessimistic, but I feel like I just live in the word WASTE. What set me off was this stupid asshole at work who thinks he is smart enough to run the world, or at least Verizon Wireless as he passed out these handouts.

These handouts are practically scripts for things we should say to our customers when they ask about a specific thing, or indicate they're thinking of cancelling service, blah blah blah. Me being the outspoken, blunt person I am say, "When did I move to India and start working for Dell?" He just looked at me like I had just thrown up on his shoes and walked away. This guy is a fucking idiot. He is a politic. He is a perfect politic. I hate politicians as equally as I hate dishonest, backstabbing, ass kissers. They make me sick. To me these people are miserable wastes of space, air, time and energy. But this asshole is perfect at moving people just like him up in the company, and for whatever reason he has some major pull there. Just not with me. He can kiss my big white ass.

He is a perfect example of why I do not want to be a part of a multi-billion dollar blood sucking empire. He is almost worth a whole other blog on his own.

On to my next waste. Waste of time. So many people are a colossal waste of time. I get so pissed when I think I'm getting to know someone, and then suddenly they morph into the type of people I can not stand. I like a lot of people, but I hate people just as equally. When the ONLY thing I hear out of people's mouths is rumors, or "shit" about other people and how they're losers or they did this, and she did that, blah blah blah is coming out of your mouth, I TUNE OUT.

I have experienced this lately, and it is frustrating. Whenever I meet someone, I give them the benefit of the doubt. I know that sounds shitty, and possibly even naive, but that's the way I am. I trust you until you fuck me over, and 8 times out of 10 it's inevitable to happen anyway. I will hang out with you, but if you constantly talk about other people, I will not give you any ammunition to spew bullets with my name on them when I'm not around.

High school never ends, no matter how "grown-up" we get. It may be sad at 26 I'm just now realizing this, but it's true! No, I didn't just have a bad day at work, I've been taking serious inventory of myself, and people I surround myself with. I have hit the point where I don't tell anyone anything about myself except to the few people I trust ie: my family, Ali, Annie, and Jayk. I have some other friends that I would like to trust the way I trust the above mentioned people, and they may get to that point one day, but I just don't. It's nothing personal against them, but I do not feel the need to waste my energy with sharing big parts of myself with them only to chance shit hitting the fan; see...another waste.

Ehh. I hate it when I have realizations that hit me like a brick wall that make me feel so empty and lonely sometimes. I am tired of living in a wasteful world, but I am pretty damn sure that it isn't going away anytime soon. I could go on and on, but I think that's about all I can spit out right now without raising my blood pressure to an unhealthy point. Hope you enjoyed the rant. Good night.

How cute is this?

What a cutie! I was working hard on a paper, and my little man got absorbed into a movie on the Disney channel. It's amazing how much my baby boy has grown! I can't believe he'll be four in less than a month. I look up and he's just lounging away like a little man munching on some popcorn...just a priceless moment that I wanted to share with everyone! Hope everyone has a great week!

They're not spectacular but...

Friday was the day that I noticed the bite, and being as allergic as I am to bug bites, I chalked it up to one of those. So here is the Friday Pic when I first noticed it:

Then Sunday morning I noticed it had gotten much larger, and my co-workers, managers, and my associate director sent me off to the doctor, and this one was taken there:

The scary part was that it did not itch too much, it was really hard around the actual bite (You can kind of see where there is a lighter circle that whole part was hard) and then the dark red part was hot, and felt like my skin was burning inside. What's worse, is after I left the doctor's office, it got even bigger and went half way down my calf. I was so upset the camera was the last thing on my mind..sorry.

Update:

Since I've been taking the antibiotic, I know only have a small hard part around the bite and no redness really. It NOW itches like hell however. Fucking bugs and spiders and stuff. We dusted ALL over the house, and damned if we didn't kill 3 more spiders last night! I didn't think to take any pics of the ones we smashed, but I will be sure to remember the next time I see one as I'm sure there will be more. The stupid rental office said they would come Friday and spray. All I have to say if something bites my little man, the office manager is going to have hell to pay.

Oh, and FYI, I did not know it bit me because I think it happened in my sleep. I'm pretty sure I would have felt a bite like this. =)

You wanna stick me where?!?!

Ok so anyone who has been in SC knows that the bug and spider population is insane, and they are twice the size of the nasty little shits in MN. I'm so serious. I have never seen or even heard of a brown recluse spider until I moved to the South. And it's very possible that the night before last one fucking bit me! Yesterday when I noticed the bite, it was just a little red around the bite, and it was about the size of a quarter. Today I wake up and it was the size of a sand dollar.

Now I'm extremely allergic to mosquito bites and such, and at first just thought I got bit a couple of times and that was that. But then I go to work, and people look at it and how hard it is around the bite and how big the redness is and says, you need to go to the doctor, that looks like a spider bite, and the area around the actual bite is burning hot. It even stings just a bit. So I'm like, great. This is exactly what I needed. A massive bite, I know I'm sweet, but this is ridiculous. ;-)

Off to the doctor I go, and this is not my normal doc mind you, this is Doctor's Care (Doc in a box pretty much) and she looks at it and is like, oh, well there's no black or blue marks around it, so it probably isn't a recluse bite. She then gives me the exciting news I'm going to get a shot of antibiotic in my butt, and she's going to make a small incision in my leg to do a culture on the fluid. Oh, and while we're at it, we may as well do my tetanus shot since I have no clue when the last one I got was.

So first comes the tetanus shot. That bitch hurt! It felt like someone slugged me with a god damn sledge hammer, and then after time went on it just got worse. Next they start rubbing iodine (without even asking me if I'm allergic to it, thankfully I'm not) and tell me they're going to give a shot to numb the area. Ok, no biggie, I won't feel the cut so great. Mind you the shot of Lidocaine burns like hell going into my leg! Fan-fuckin-tastic I tell ya. Then she doesn't even cut on the actual bite site, just a little ways from it, bandages me up and gives me my antibiotic shot in the arse. Says the culture will be back in a couple days. Take the antibiotics she's prescribing me and I should be fine.

Ok, so I go back to work, and 8 hours after this little office visit, I look at my leg, and both the harder area and the red area have expanded. Shit! On top of that, my nerves are kicking, my arse, my arm, and my leg are sore, and I just barfed up my lunch when I got home! I left my general practitioner a message to call me just to see what he thinks I should do at this point, and he called me back..

Get this, the fucking bitch that gave me 2 prescriptions, cut my leg and gave me three shots overdid everything! He said even if it was a recluse bite, I wouldn't see the puss for 5-6 days, so it was unnecessary for her to cut my leg. He said just to take 1 of the antibiotics not both, and if it's worse by Monday call him. I LOVE my doctor. He is awesome. He totally calmed me down, and explained everything to me.

Great. Sore arm, sore leg, and sore arse for nothing. I'm going out to dinner now. Fuck doctors in box! I was so scared after everything, I got sick! Grrr! I HATE throwing up!

I don't want to be a Toys R Us Kid!

18 days since my last post. That's horrible. I'm sorry. So anyway, um, uh, yea:

So Jayk is on another call right now, Logan is sleeping, and I finally have a quiet moment to myself. I got a TON of stuff done today that I feel really good about. I finished all of the laundry, folded it, and put it away (sorry Kyra, it's got to be done ;-) ) and I picked up the house, vacuumed, and we rearranged our bedroom. Long story, but it ended with a new box spring and bed frame! LMAO! So all in all, it was a pretty good day. Now I just have one more assignment to do, and I'm done with my task list for the day.

I've completely caved on the quitting smoking thing. Jayk and I lasted 4 days and then we wanted to kill each other. So that's out. We'll try again soon though considering we don't really have the money right now to support this little nasty habit. I don't feel too guilty about it, so I guess I have the wrong mindset and may not be ready to quit smoking.

One thing I know I am ready to quit, is trying to figure out what the hell I want to be when I grow up. It's like I've been taking this self-inventory and I know that I don't like one minor but sort of major thing that I have control over in my life. I do not like my job/career path. It means nothing to me. I don't necessarily hate the job itself, but to me it's meaningless. I don't feel like I actually DO something by being employed by a multi-billion dollar blood sucking company. Imagine that right? So what do I want to be? I'm creative, but I do not know what kind of living my creativity could really make me. Just because I'm creative does not mean I have the talent to make money to earn my share. I'm smarter than the average bear, and am half way through my associate's in business administration. How fucking boring is that? No offense to my business minded brother, and other business people out there, I'm just bored shitless with it.

I'm seriously considering changing my degree and have opted for student loans so I do not have to be dependent on my employer to completely pay for my schooling, therefore having to pursue something relating to their blood sucking ways. I know what I don't want to do based on my personal knowledge and my personality: I don't want to be a firefighter, EMT, or cop. I can't stomach what they see. I'd be committed to a mental institution after the first horrific scene. Plus I'd be too scared something would happen to me or Jayk for that matter, and leave Logan an orphan. I just can't do that.

I do want a career. I just don't know in what. I hate this. I'm not happy where I am as far as my career and income are at, but I don't know where I would be truly happy. Either one of two things have to happen: I either have to have a complete epiphany, or I have to start doing research about all sorts of fields of work. I'm almost 27 and it's like I have no direction. I could just stay where I'm at, but I really have no interest in what I do. Something that keeps popping in my head is to go towards the department of social services. But I have no idea what that entails. Blah. Time for more self inventory.

Any ideas? Suggestions? Is it too late at 27 to make a career change?

Hello?!?!?!?

I know I am slack. I am a bad blogger friend. I am sorry.

Remember that cult like thing I told everyone about that I was afraid I was getting thrown into? Yea, not so much. It is nothing like a cult to be a firefighter's girlfriend. It's seriously like inheriting a HUMONGOUS family!

Friday after the memorial we went to the cookout at Caromi (Jayk's department), and then that night we went downtown to see some Marques's friends from out of state. When I say out of state, I mean out of state. I met firefighters from across the United States.

The brotherhood that firefighters refer to is real. I experienced it at it's finest. We partied with firefighters from Wisconsin, California, New York, Pennsylvania, Washington DC, Washington state, Colorado, London, Houston, Maryland, and even Canada. I'm sure I've forgotten some, but there were so many! I've never seen anything like it. There were even guys sitting behind us at the memorial service from Chicago.

I will say this much, it renewed the little hope I had left that there were sincerely good people left in the world. These men were all amazing. We partied with FDNY Emerald Society guys (the pipes and drum players that play at fire fighter's funerals, events, and parades etc.).

Everyone keeps asking me how I can let Jayk continue volunteering after what happened, my answer is automatic, "I wouldn't want him to be a part of anything else." The guys at his department and their wives are all amazing people. I'm so happy and proud to be a part of it!

Back to my apology, I am sorry. I could make excuses but excuses are like assholes..you know, everyone's got one...hope all my blogger peeps are doing as great as I am! =)