Reflections

At times when I looked in the mirror, I saw who I thought I wanted to be. I saw who I thought I was, and at times, I couldn't even look in the mirror because I didn't know who I was looking at.

Life's lessons have molded me into the woman I am today. So has the unconditional love of a boy and a man who understand and can always see the "inner" me if you will. Even if I don't recognize her at times, they do, and they shower me with joy and love regardless of the fight I put up until I'm reminded she exists. I've learned a lot in my life, but looking back at this year, I've learned more than I ever have before.

So much has been endured in my life this year, so much change, and so many lessons faced as challenges have taught me so much. When I look in the mirror now, I finally just see me. The best part about it, is I'm totally cool with that and I never have been before. I love my imperfections, because without them I'd be boring. It's like life, without mistakes and challenges, my life would be boring.

So this year, looking back, I am thankful for everything. I am in love with and married to a man that I am in awe of everyday. If there is one person in this entire world meant for one another, he was meant for me. It all started with a light of a cigarette, and my life changed forever. We share a humble, but honest and happy life. Even in our struggles with material things and finances, or bad days at the office, we can still look at each other and smile. No matter what, what we have will always be. And it will always be worth smiling about.

We have an amazing little boy. The reality of parenting hit me at the first diaper, but watching our son's mind mold into that of a little boy seemingly a man somedays is amazing. He quickly reminds us that he's watching our every move and we have to be there with him and for him every step of the way. We are teaching him to live, to be a little person, to make his own decisions, to feel, to show love, to do everything. It's quite apparent the seriousness of our tasks as parents to lead by example, and damnit, if I may pat myself on the back, I'm thrilled with the outcomes so far!

I have a family that has been my support, my friends, my cheering squad, and my biggest critics. They're pro's at wearing all hats with me, because until recently all of them were required at the drop of a dime. ;)

This year I have made some amazing friends that I love enough to consider family, lost some that were never really friends in the first place, and re-enforced my belief that it's not the quantity of friends but the quality, and for that I am especially thankful. It helps me keep perspective that everyone can take a piece of your heart, but not everyone can take care of it.

It may seem like I'm painting a canvas of a picture perfect life. In reality my life is not what some would consider perfect, and I don't see it as PERFECT, but I'm ok with my life. I'm quite happy with it and every single one of its challenges, and that is what makes it perfect. So as this year approaches its end and we head into the holiday season, I've done some serious reflecting. There is not just one thing I am most thankful for. I am thankful for everything.

Tomorrow morning when my husband gets home, and I cook our Thanksgiving feast and spend the day with those I love the most, I'll simply just be thankful for my life and the way it has turned out so far.

I'm still here!

Why don't cars only have 3 wheels or regular bicycles have 3 wheels? Because the third one just causes problems. Jayk and I have pretty much been through hell and back over the past couple of months. The important thing is we realized we have something worth fighting for and working through all of the hard stuff that comes our way, and we are making our life ours again.

Part of us splitting up was my fault (well a lot of it was my fault) but moreover it was because we invited a third wheel to be a part of our life. (No crazy threesomes or anything) but someone we considered a friend, a very close one at that played with us. Like we were toys or a chess game that he could pit us against each other with .Then we found out the hard way how deep the meaning of the phrase "misery loves company" really flows. The extent of it, I don't wish to go into but after we finally smartened up to what he was doing, we could not figure out which one of us was lied to more.

I had everything. A man who loves me and my son more than anything, a nice home, a job that pays the bills, and a great GPA to get me an even better job. Now, I'm getting it back, holding on with dear life, and cherishing every moment and every part of it, even the parts that suck at times. Why? Because they are mine.

I was so far in a dark hole that I didn't realize I put myself in it and was the only one that could get me out of it. May sound cliche, but I lost what I considered everything I had ever wanted in life, because of seeds planted and lies told. Thankfully the pain of losing that was enough for me to take my head out of my ass and start communicating with my future husband.

Life is very difficult, and complicated, and I know though I have not lived through as much as some, or been through as much emotionally as others, we all have our levels of tolerence, and though we all learn different lessons throughout our crazy rides called life, I hope to think that one day all of my cliff notes will make a difference somewhere and somehow in someone's life.

So our saga continues..LOL I'm still here and doing much better, but I'll leave you with these questions... Why is it when someone plants a seed in your mind sometimes no matter how strong you think you are against it, it ends up being a virus that takes control of your system? Are we all really like computers with vulnerabilities that allow for others to hack into our systems and grow their virus by picking away at our thoughts, feelings, and emotions? How different are we from robots? Are we really naive enough to think we can't be conditioned? If you say no, then what do you say of parenting?

Soothe

There are so many repetitions of the same emotions throughout our lives, all to different degrees of intensity. Each heartbreak feels worse than the last, each disappointment a worse betrayal than the one before it. Each joyful moment, fewer and further between at times. Yet we keep living. We keep asking for more. All of our happiness and our sorrows make us feel; even when we would rather not.

At times we would like to be emotionless, and pretend that whatever it is doesn't effect us, and at other times we let it consume us. I was told once to hold onto faith, which seems to be fleeting at best and just out of reach some days at most. Yet I do. I hold on to hope, onto faith, but lately it's like a blanket with holes in it. No matter how fast I stitch it back together, I'm already looking at more holes and I'm still cold. I know they will fill as I do, with hope, and with faith, but in the interim my head has begun to overflow with thought...my fingers can not keep up.

Everything is complicated, and nothing is free. This is my life's mantra. Nothing is free, not feelings, not words, not parts of our souls we share. They all come with a price; sometimes big, sometimes small. But each time we give a part of those things out we pay. Sometimes the rewards are great, others minimal if not a shot in the foot.I've learned to be careful with those pieces, and yet every once in a while I still get wounded; we all do. So we put band aids on wounds that are ready to burst and just hope that they never do. Some people use sex, some use drugs, some use meaningless relationships with people searching for the same, some people use words, others music to strengthen the band aid, or for some to lighten the load of what seems the world's weight on their shoulders. I have always used the latter two of the list. They are my favorite band aid, and tonight they soothe.

The two songs below (which can be heard on my play list) are like wearing a favorite pair of jeans or a comfy sweatshirt I've carried with me over the years. The first time I heard them was over 10 years ago. The artist is phenomenal, but these two songs have always spoken the loudest to me throughout life. The CD they came off of bonded a friendship for life, soothed my darkest of days, and now they speak volumes of emotions I've known so many times before...only now the blanket has no more holes.

32 FLAVORS:

Squint your eyes and look closer,

I'm not between you and your ambition,

I am a poster girl with no poster,

I am 32 flavors and them some.

And I am beyond your peripheral vision,

So you might want to turn your head,

Cause some day you are gonna get hungry,

and eat most of the words you just......said..



Both my parents taught me about goodwill,

and I have done well by their name.

Just the kindness I lavish on strangers,

is more than I can explain.

Still there's many who've turned out their porch light,

Just so I would think they were not home,

and hid in the dark of their windows,

til I passed and left them...alone.



And god help you if you are an ugly girl,

Course to pretty is also your doom,

Cause everyone harbours a secret hatred,

for the prettiest girl in the room.

And God help you if you are a phoenix,

and you dare to rise up from the ash,

A thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy,

while you are.. just....flying...



I'm not driving my life meaning, by

demeaning you,

and I would, like to state for the record,

I did everything I could do.

I'm not saying that I am a savior,

I just don't want to live their way,

Oh and I will never be a saint,

but I will always say...



Squint your eyes and look closer...

I'm not between you and your ambition.

I am a poster girl with no poster,

I am 32 flavors and then some.

And I'm beyond your peripheral vision,

So you might want to turn your head,

Cause one day you might find you are starving,

and eating all of the words you just said.

~Ani DiFranco

OVERLAP:

I search your profile,

for a translation,

I study the conversation..

like a map.

Cause I know there is strength

in the differences between us,

and I know there is comfort,

where we overlap..



So come here...

Stand in front of the light,

stand still,

so I can see your silhouette,

and I hope that you have got all night,

cause I am not done looking,

No, I am not done looking..yet.

Each one of us,

wants a piece of the action.

You can hear it what we say,

you can see it in what we do,

We negotiate with chaos,

for some senseless satisfaction,

and if you won't give it to me,

at least give me a better view..



Come here,

stand in front of the light,

stand still,

so I can see your silhouette,

I hope, that you have got all night..

cause I am not done looking,

No, I am not done looking...yet.



And I build each one.. of my songs out of glass,

so you can see me inside of them....

I suppose..

You could just leave the image of me,

in the background... I guess,

and watch your own reflection,

super-imposed..

And I build each one,

of my days out of hope,

and I give that hope your name.

And I don't know you that well,

but it don't take much to tell,

either you don't have the balls,

or you don't feel the same...



Come here.

Stand in front of the light.

Stand still.

So I can see your silhouette.

I hope that you have got all night,

Cause I'm not done looking,

No I'm not done looking...yet.



I search your profile,

for a translation.

I study the conversation,

like a map.

Cause I know there is strength

in the differences between us,

and I know there is comfort,

where we overlap.....

~Ani DiFranco

So Here it is...

Ok, Jayk and I are officially split up.

He finished moving out today and I gave the ring back.. I have found that in life, I am a student of learning everything the hard way. I thought that with changes made that life would be happier and the feelings I used to have for him may reignite. They did not. Again, there was no drama involved, but it all sucks nonetheless. He's a great guy and we are trying to remain "friends". I know, I know, this is the ultimate stab in the heart phrase, but we're going to try.

Yes, I love him. Yes, he's a great guy. He's stable, sober, working on responsible, and he loves me and my son whole-heartedly. We are on two different levels though. He's in-love with me, and I fell out of love with him. Yes, I could have stayed and pretended all was well so I could have a stable life for me and Logan, but that's not fair to any party involved, and I refuse to settle for less than what I want, even if I never do actually find it.

The last few months have been horrible for me. Hence the reason for all of the trapped references and being down in the shits. I'm trying to stay on my feet. I've got a decent savings account going, and I've finally begun to establish some decent credit. I have my first credit card that I refuse to use but once a month maybe, I will just make payments on it to show I have an open, on-time account. It's nothing extravagant as far as credit limits, but at least it's a start!

I still have a 3.something gpa in school and I still have my health and my job, so things can't be too bad. I'm actually applying for a major accounts coordinator position this week at work (corporate collections basically), so please all wish me luck and keep your fingers crossed. It's a pretty substantial raise and Logan and I will really need it come November when the lease is up.

Which leads to my current fear. Making it on my own with a child. I've been squirreling away for a bit, and I'll be putting more in that fund, but I also have a $373 car payment. That is going to royally screw me, but at least I'm saving about $300 a month in childcare since Logan is starting school this year and the after school program is much cheaper.

I know I can do this. I just haven't figured out the how yet. Or at least not all of it. I know that there is no way in hell I can work full time at Verizon, go to school, have a four year old AND work part time somewhere else. I really don't want to move out of this area either since the school I've enrolled him in is a really good school.

So far this year everything has pretty much fallen in my lap or worked out the way it is supposed to and I'm changing the way I view a lot of things as well as the way I DO a lot of things. I feel like a completely different person sometimes. It's just a big jump and I don't have anyone or thing to fall back on but my own arse. That's really scary to me since I can't afford to do that to my son.

Jayk is being kind enough to pay his half the rent until the end of the lease. This helps out a lot and I'm grateful for that. It's what happens afterward that I'm scared of.

I can do this right? Lots of women do it and in worse conditions. I just have to know what I can and cannot sacrafice. I may have to move out of this area, which would blow big time, but I will do what I have to. I don't want to be uncomfortable and living from paycheck to paycheck forever. I want to do right by my son. I will. I know I can. If I could just get rid of this fear...

Can you tell I'm overwhelmed right now? Plus I graduate in October, and can only take a short break before the student loans start kicking in, so at that time comes my bachelors. Oh, and I decided on what I'm going to major in. I'm going for my bachelor's in Social Science with an emphasis in Elementary education or early childhood education.

See lots of HUGE decisions all at once creating total chaos in my life, but I would not be me if I did not live in chaos. Everyone says don't make major decisions suddenly, which I didn't. I thought them all out very carefully, I just executed them all at once because one I have no patience, and two, it wouldn't really work any other way.

This is so not where I thought I would be at 27, almost 28 years old, but I try to remind myself it could be a hell of a lot worse. So I'm not religious, and I won't ask you to pray for me or any cliche like that, but just think happy thoughts and send them my way pretty please! I have a lot of shit to go through yet. Breaking up was the easy part. It's my new life that's gonna be tough! Grrrr! Growling just made me feel a little better. LOL

So though I'm a busy, screwed up woman at the moment, be prepared for some weird, random, and most likely stressing/venting days to come.

That said, I would like to thank my blogging buddies who have come to check on me from time to time or emailed me to do the same. I suck at response, but y'alls support means a lot! Thank you!

I'm alive!

Hey everyone, I just wanted to drop a note since it's been over a month since I've posted. School is getting tougher and tougher and I just want it to be done. Jayk and I split temporarily and are again trying to patch things up.

He starts his first position as a career fire fighter with North Charleston Fire Department tomorrow, so things have been kinda up in the air and crazy for a while. I'm just trying to concentrate on school and getting things back to right if that's possible.

I'll try to post more since I have plenty to spew on my mind. ;) Miss and love you all, and will try to comment more if anything!

One of my FAVORITE things....

I used to be terrified of thunderstorms as a child, and remember many a time when I would cry to my mom that daddy shouldn't be leaving during the storm. Whether my dad loves thuderstorms as much as I do now or if it was just he wanted to get out of the house, I can now as an adult relate to his passion of thunderstorms. My dad showed me how to appreciate them and kind of study them as a hobby.

He cured my fears of thunderstorms one summer eve by driving me down to his work and taking me up on the roof during one. My mom probably wanted to murder him, but to me it was one of the very first times (at least that I can remember) I've ever felt that close to my dad. It was "our" moment. Just him, me, and the sky. It took a while for my dad and I to have the relationship we do now for reasons I could not begin to list in this blog, but thunderstorms are a very special way for me to tie memories to him, friends, families, moments, and most of all home.




What is it about thunderstorms that excites people? Especially me? I wonder if it is the unrelenting power of Mother Nature and the threat that it could all come crashing down just like the thunder does as the clouds roll in. I love the way it smells right before the rain, and I'm always half mesmerized at how still everything gets right before the sky opens up and lashes out at us. This picture above reminds me of staying at a friends house on Lake Minnetonka and watching a good one.




I mean look at that. Currently we are under a tornado warning, and when some would be worried, I am tempted to go for a walk down the middle of my street and look for one. I just love the power of it. When I was a teenager, my best friend and I would hear of a severe weather warning we'd hop in her Pontiac Sunfire with a bunch of our favorite tunes and go try to find the worst part of the storm. I love how this pic shows the city line. Makes me think of home, and how the skyline looks there during a storm.




There's something amazing and indescribable about a good storm. Usually whenever a sever thunderstorm/tornado warning hits this area, I get let down and it's a barely-there one or none at all. Tonight I wait for 35 more minutes until the warning is up, and I'm anxious. Something big is stirring not only outside, but somewhere inside of me. I just have to figure out how to let it all out......I wonder if Mother Nature feels like I do, just ready to unleash everything to just let it go...Oh how I love the rain...

Pollen Pollen everywhere...Damn Allergies!

Allergy season blows. There is so much pine pollen in the air down here, it's pointless to wash your car. You can wash it and 5 minutes later it will be some shade of your car only with a lot more yellow. It's so gross, and my sinuses hate it.

On another note, I'm thinking about applying at the passport center. I think it is just what I need at this point in my life. Quiet, off the phones, don't have to deal with people too much, and it would be Mon-Fri with holidays off. I think it's exactly what I need. In fact, I'm posting my resume tonight. Oh yea, there's the perk that it gives me security clearance and gets me into the government system, so that could help me avoid a few hoops in the future when I try to be in the education system. Maybe, I don't know. But I do know that I'm ready for a change.

To be even more random, I'm getting my eyes checked. I'm thinking geeky but chic frames. LOL

I have too much crap in my brain right now to post a coherent blog. Hope everyone is having a great week.

Come see my new spot!

Hey all! I know, I know, I barely have time to keep one blog up, but I realize that since my life is changing around my diet, I haven't had much else to think about lately besides school. So once I get used to the lifestyle change, things will be back to normal so-to-speak with having more to talk about.

I will be keeping this one up as much as possible as well, but come visit to see my journey through shedding pounds, sharing recipes, and probably a lot of funny workout stories! You can find all of this and more at http://skinnyme2morrow.blogspot.com/

Hope to see everyone there!

I can see clearly now the rain is gone......

So far, I have not fallen off the wagon. Things are good, I'm down a total of 11 pounds from when I originally started (before I got sick)and I'm growing to love turkey. LOL I know this may sound silly, but you can make a lot of good stuff with turkey.

Last week I had my first encounter with sweet Italian turkey sausage (much like a brat) and it tasted really damn good. Then I tried turkey burgers, also very yummy. Finally, this evening, I tried ground turkey and made it into tacos and am convinced I've been eating like a moron for a long time. It's not that hard to stay on track with Weight Watchers. Especially when there are so many yummy recipes out there. Granted I don't have all of the staples yet for a full blown healthy eating kitchen, but as I try new things, I'm getting there.

Next on my list is incorporating some exercise into my life to help speed up the weight loss. I bought a yoga DVD for power Pilate's and have yet to try it. I WILL find time among the other things I love to do so much like work, hang with Logan, do homework, write/read blogs, and play my online game. LOL I figure if I take it baby steps and concentrate on one thing at a time, it will be easier to incorporate the new stuff like more exercise at some point.

As discouraging as it seems since I don't have that much free time, as the pounds come off, I am feeling the burst of energy I should have at 27 come back to life. Today is a very optimistic day. Yay for wacky Wednesdays!

Alone on a Saturday

So me and lil man have today to ourselves. I have mountais of laundry to do. I need to go get some clothes for little man. He's growing like a weed, but I don't really know if I want to shop the gammut of Saturday shoppers with a four year old in tow. I hope Jayk gets done with his class early so I can drag both of them.

I need some new work clothes and play clothes for that matter, not to mention shoes, but I'm waiting until I drop a few more sizes. I'm down one size already, and that was motivation enough to keep going with Weight Watchers. I lost 10, then when I was sick gained 5, and now I'm back down 5. Either way when I bought a new pair of jeans last week and they were one size smaller than what I used to wear, I put the diet into high gear.

I decided to pay for Weight Watchers online for 3 months.Not too bad, through work it was only $55 vs. $69.95. They say my healthy weight is between 115 and 140, but my target goal is 115! I can't imagine being that small again, but we'll see. ;) I hope to at least get down to 130. I've been so good, I haven't cheated, not even once. I've stuck to my points and went grocery shopping accordingly and it so far has not been that bad. The only thing I think I'll pass on next time is fat free cottage cheese. It's only one point less than the two percent cottage cheese, but the taste difference is SO huge. I honestly never thought I would pay to have someone help me lose weight, but honestly since I'm a cheapskate when it comes to pinching pennies, if I pay for it, I'm going to use it. Therefore paying makes more sense to me.

I personally think that Mags should move to SC and open up a Weight Watchers restaurant. She would know exactly how to prepare food that us WW people could eat and stay on our point system, AND it would taste scrump-diddly-umptious! Applebee's only has a few items from WW, but I will admit it was pretty good. Mags, you could do a WHOLE MENU of your own creations!

OK, I'm babbling again. So, here is my dilema, shop or laundry? Shop or laundry? Maybe I should make my head ache go away first....Happy Saturday!

Where does all the time go?

I don't think that I'm a wasteful person. I certainly do not waste time. Or do I? It seems I haven't blogged in forever, and I haven't seen some of my friends forever, but I guess that's what you get when you are in school, work full time, and have a four year old. Or, quite possibly, I've turned into a homebody.

Either way right now I have a migraine from nowhere, I hate my job still, and Jayk is mid-career change. (Everyone cross your fingers, he had an interview Monday at North Charleston Fire Department.) Maybe part of me is jealous he is almost to a career he loves and all I can see is that I'm stuck at a job I hate with a passion for at least the next two years. I would rather be unemployed right now and a stay at home mom going to school and working part time but I know that financially, there is no way I can do that. God I hate this shit.

Oh, and then there's school. I'm in another math class that is royally kicking my ass. I can't get algebra. Stupid I know, but I am math retarded. I can do a problem over and over again but none of it is retained in my right sided thinking brain. (Not sure if that made sense, but I'm working with a migraine here.)

On a positive note, I am going to Boston from 3/27/08-3/30/08 to visit my best friend and to attend her baby shower. I haven't seen her in almost 2 years, and better I get to see her family I used to live with as a teen that I haven't seen in like 10+ years. 28 days. 28 days and I get a mini-vacation.

162 days and I go home for a week with my men! I found killer ticket prices $230 round trip from Charlotte, NC to Minneapolis. God I can't wait to get home. Maybe I can convince Jayk to start job hunting up there soon. By next tax time and bonus I could use both and get the fuck out of dodge. We'll see.

My son starts kindergarten this year and I really don't want him in schools down here past 1st or 2nd grade. Check out where SC finishes education wise here www.sc.gov go to department of education and play around a bit. The statistics are disgusting.

In the words of Ani DiFranco, "So anyway..um..uh..yea." That's pretty much it for me.

I hate...

Two strong words..I hate. But I do. I hate that I just got over a god damned (sorry if I offended anyone) sinus infection, and now have the fucking flu. Off to break my fever, sorry just had to vent.

I normally wouldn't post anything like this because most of them are false schemes. This one however is not. Please click on my link for my friend Mags on the left hand side of the screen to get to the donate button! If I can donate I know everyone can! Please help Linda bring her girl home! No child deserves this!

***AFTER READING THIS POST, PLEASE CONSIDER COPYING IT AND POSTING IT ON YOUR BLOG-THE MORE EXPOSURE THIS GETS, THE BETTER***

She tries to sleep, but she can’t-the noises coming from the only bedroom in the trailer are too loud, too embarrassing. Rolling over she faces the wall and hopes that her father will finish what he’s doing and that her step-mother won’t make any more noise.




She’s living every teenage girl’s nightmare.

It’s bad enough that she was torn from her friends in Kentucky-but living here, in this cramped, dirty trailer with no privacy and no indoor shower is the icing on the cake. Fitting in at school was out of the question-her father made sure of that by not allowing her to socialize outside of class & eventually, she woke up one morning knowing that she would no longer walk the halls of freedom, but instead would be taught in the very trailer she slept in.

It’s probably for the best, she thinks-if anyone ever found out that they make me wear hand me down underwear I’d be the laughing stock of the state anyway…


She wishes she could move home-to her real home-with her mother and sister in Connecticut. There she would be nurtured and cared for, and allowed to be a teenager…allowed to have opinions and ideas and to cut her hair the way she likes it.


But she knows she can’t. He’s making sure of that too…




Jamie wants to come home.



Many of you know Linda from Are We There Yet? And perhaps you know that she has two daughters, Amanda and Jamie. Amanda lives with Linda here in CT and Jamie lives in Florida with her father and his wife.


Life for Jamie is not going well.


Jamie is living a lonely life in a cramped, dirty trailer with guardians who won’t allow her to be an individual. She is not allowed to have friends. She can’t choose her own music or movies and she can’t even cut her hair. She has to shower in a common area of a camp ground because her “home” doesn’t have a shower.

She is homeschooled by her stepmother-a woman who is not qualified to take on such a task and Jamie is, for sure, behind other kids her age academically. No doubt, she will also fall behind socially as well.

Though Jamie has expressed to her father that she wants to move to Connecticut to live with her mother, he will not allow it. His reasoning is that Linda is not a good mother.

His reasoning is bull shit.

When Jamie visits, it is easy to see that she flourishes. Her smile is bright and it’s clear that being allowed to smile and laugh and to be a little quirky is the reason. Anyone who reads Linda’s blog knows that she is a caring and attentive mother who strives to give both of her children what they deserve.

The man that Jamie and Amanda call Dad is not a good man. He remarried and is completely wrapped up in his new marriage and does not care what happens to Jamie. If he believes that Linda is a bad mother because Amanda has blue hair, then I wonder what he would say if she were to cast her daughter out of her life simply because she was a little different…

Of course, Linda would never do that-but he did. Amanda lived with her father at one time, and was sent back to live with Linda because she didn’t “fit in” to the family he wanted to create. He no longer speaks to her. Now tell me, how can a man who disowns one daughter ever be a better parent than one who loves unconditionally?

He can’t.

And that’s why Jamie needs to come home.

Being a single mother who makes “too much money” (read: she makes over the poverty level) Linda does not qualify for financial assistance for legal aid, and therefore is having trouble getting a lawyer’s attention. In CT, courts consider a custody award as subject to change until the child involved grows up, and in most states proof of a "change in circumstances" may overturn an earlier award. This flexibility is intended to allow for the correction of poor or outdated decisions.


Jamie has vocalized to both parents that she wishes to move. Her dad has vocalized that it will never happen. Linda made a promise to Jamie that she would do anything in her power to get here home.

But she needs our help.

On my sidebar I have posted a magic button-this magic button allows you to donate to the Get Jamie Home Legal Fund. The faster you click, the faster you will help change the life of one little girl who very much needs a new life.

Please help. We’ve seen in the past that every penny helps…even if you can only donate $5, please consider doing it.




Jamie needs to come home.

The countdown is on...

So, I've lost 6 pounds in the first week. Which is awesome. Only 12 pounds until I hit my first goal. I found out though that I was not eating all of my points that I'm actually allowed. Originally I thought I was only allowed between 20-22 points but actually I'm supposed to get 25-27 points. Then 2 more pounds and it drops to 20-25 points per day.

This is probably why my partner in this lost 8 pounds and I only lost 6. Plus she has a little bit more to lose than I do. I'm not comparing myself to her, but now I know why I am struggling a little bit with cravings and such. I was depriving my body. Oh, well six pounds later I'm not complaining by any means.;)

Work still sucks, but oh well. Until I get my bachelor's I'll be a VZW mouthpiece. C'est la vie, right? ;)

Time old cliche

Ok so everyone usually has a new year's resolution to either 1)lose weight or 2) quit smoking or some other nasty habit society frowns upon.

I on the other hand do not believe in resolutions because it is like setting yourself up for failure. You have to do something or quit something because you want to; because you need to. Whether it be for yourself or for your health or even both, when you want to change something you have to do it for the right reasons.

Recently, 4 days ago to be exact, my friend Michelle and I have made a life-style changing decision. We are going to lose weight and be a support system to each other. I'm obese compared to any medical charts though thankfully I only look "thick" according to most opinions. Michelle and I have decided to do the Weight Watchers diet. She had done it a couple of years ago and had very successful results, but then gave up on it because she didn't have much of a support system.

Since she already had the materials (the point counter/slide thingy)we opted not to pay to go to meetings, but to meet once a week for weigh-ins and follow our point guidance system. I'm not by any means trying to advertise for WeightWatchers, but I will say that so far this has been my favorite method of losing weight. I don't have to cut anything out that I don't want to, I just have to make healthier decisions.

For example, if I'm starving and all I really want is a junior cheeseburger from Wendy's, I can do that but it will take 9 points! I am currently allowed between 20-22 points a day based on my beginning weight. As I drop in pounds, so do my points. So if I want to eat that yummy cheeseburger, I have to consider anything else I've eaten that day and what I will be allowing myself for the remainder of the day. Since I know that one cheeseburger is not really going to satisfy the hunger, and it will cut me short for what I can eat for the rest of the day, I move on to other options.

On day one I weighed in at 182 ginormous pounds. (To me that is humongous). Today on day 4, I'm already at 178 pounds! 4 days=4 pounds! The greatest thing is, I haven't starved myself at all. You are supposed to eat all of your points so-to-speak because if you don't you are only hindering your weight loss abilities by slowing your metabolism down; therefore not losing weight.

I also am aware that the most rapid weight loss happens in the first few weeks. I'm prepared for it, only because I'm just thrilled enough to be losing it at all! My first weight loss goal is 10% of my weight, so aproximately 18 pounds. My lifetime goal is to be back in my healthy range of 140-146 according to what my doctor says for my height and age. So my ultimate goal is approximately 40 pounds.

So here we go! I know it's been a while since I posted, but I really have not been myself (no pun intended) for a long time. I've not been happy with myself. I love my life, don't get me wrong; even with all the bullshit that's in it reminds me I'm alive, but my appearance has brought my confidence and my overall motivation to do anything to a stand still.

So for anyone out there reading who is looking for a decent diet plan, try WeightWatchers. It's not a fad diet, and you don't have to be morbidly obese to do it. There is even online WeightWatchers where you can get the support you need for a fee. (I have yet to get to that point, because I cannot afford it.) I am so excited about this though, I felt the need to share. =) Hope all is well my blogger buddies! I will keep you posted on the pounds peeling off! =P