Ok, Jayk and I are officially split up.
He finished moving out today and I gave the ring back.. I have found that in life, I am a student of learning everything the hard way. I thought that with changes made that life would be happier and the feelings I used to have for him may reignite. They did not. Again, there was no drama involved, but it all sucks nonetheless. He's a great guy and we are trying to remain "friends". I know, I know, this is the ultimate stab in the heart phrase, but we're going to try.
Yes, I love him. Yes, he's a great guy. He's stable, sober, working on responsible, and he loves me and my son whole-heartedly. We are on two different levels though. He's in-love with me, and I fell out of love with him. Yes, I could have stayed and pretended all was well so I could have a stable life for me and Logan, but that's not fair to any party involved, and I refuse to settle for less than what I want, even if I never do actually find it.
The last few months have been horrible for me. Hence the reason for all of the trapped references and being down in the shits. I'm trying to stay on my feet. I've got a decent savings account going, and I've finally begun to establish some decent credit. I have my first credit card that I refuse to use but once a month maybe, I will just make payments on it to show I have an open, on-time account. It's nothing extravagant as far as credit limits, but at least it's a start!
I still have a 3.something gpa in school and I still have my health and my job, so things can't be too bad. I'm actually applying for a major accounts coordinator position this week at work (corporate collections basically), so please all wish me luck and keep your fingers crossed. It's a pretty substantial raise and Logan and I will really need it come November when the lease is up.
Which leads to my current fear. Making it on my own with a child. I've been squirreling away for a bit, and I'll be putting more in that fund, but I also have a $373 car payment. That is going to royally screw me, but at least I'm saving about $300 a month in childcare since Logan is starting school this year and the after school program is much cheaper.
I know I can do this. I just haven't figured out the how yet. Or at least not all of it. I know that there is no way in hell I can work full time at Verizon, go to school, have a four year old AND work part time somewhere else. I really don't want to move out of this area either since the school I've enrolled him in is a really good school.
So far this year everything has pretty much fallen in my lap or worked out the way it is supposed to and I'm changing the way I view a lot of things as well as the way I DO a lot of things. I feel like a completely different person sometimes. It's just a big jump and I don't have anyone or thing to fall back on but my own arse. That's really scary to me since I can't afford to do that to my son.
Jayk is being kind enough to pay his half the rent until the end of the lease. This helps out a lot and I'm grateful for that. It's what happens afterward that I'm scared of.
I can do this right? Lots of women do it and in worse conditions. I just have to know what I can and cannot sacrafice. I may have to move out of this area, which would blow big time, but I will do what I have to. I don't want to be uncomfortable and living from paycheck to paycheck forever. I want to do right by my son. I will. I know I can. If I could just get rid of this fear...
Can you tell I'm overwhelmed right now? Plus I graduate in October, and can only take a short break before the student loans start kicking in, so at that time comes my bachelors. Oh, and I decided on what I'm going to major in. I'm going for my bachelor's in Social Science with an emphasis in Elementary education or early childhood education.
See lots of HUGE decisions all at once creating total chaos in my life, but I would not be me if I did not live in chaos. Everyone says don't make major decisions suddenly, which I didn't. I thought them all out very carefully, I just executed them all at once because one I have no patience, and two, it wouldn't really work any other way.
This is so not where I thought I would be at 27, almost 28 years old, but I try to remind myself it could be a hell of a lot worse. So I'm not religious, and I won't ask you to pray for me or any cliche like that, but just think happy thoughts and send them my way pretty please! I have a lot of shit to go through yet. Breaking up was the easy part. It's my new life that's gonna be tough! Grrrr! Growling just made me feel a little better. LOL
So though I'm a busy, screwed up woman at the moment, be prepared for some weird, random, and most likely stressing/venting days to come.
That said, I would like to thank my blogging buddies who have come to check on me from time to time or emailed me to do the same. I suck at response, but y'alls support means a lot! Thank you!
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5 comments:
I'm sorry that things are so heavy for you-I wish I could make it better. However, I think you've made a good decision for all of you and I respect that you were honest enough and brave enough to follow through with it. Living a lie would have done you in, for sure.
This...this you can get through. You'll make it and things will be ok-it'll be rough sometimes, but you'll make it.
Love ya!!!
Damn. You can do it:) I know you can. It sounds like you are making positive moves in the right direction and J sound like he is being stand up. I know it is tough but you can do it. Holla if you need an ear.
It sounds like you are making good decisions. You can make it, just go over to the 108 and see what she is dealing with.
You may have to cut back on school, but that is the one thing that you need to do, for you and for Logan. It's the best investment you can make.
You can save money in many ways, google how to save money.
Hang in there little sis, you are strong enough to do this.
i'm sorry it's taken me so long to get over here! :( sorry to hear life is feeling so upside down right now.
i wish you the best and i know you'll find a way to get through the scary parts.
focus on taking care of yourself and logan, everything else will work itself out somehow.
Sorry to hear about your breakup, little sis. I know that you don't really believe in God, but she is advising me to tell you the following:
All events, all experiences, have as their purpose the creating of opportunity. Events and experiences are Opportunities. Nothing more, nothing less.
It would be a mistake to judge them as "works of the devil," "punishments from God," "rewards from Heaven," or anything in between. They are simply Events and Experiences—things that happen.
It is what you think of them, do about them, be in response to them, that gives them meaning.
Events and experiences are opportunities drawn to you—created by you individually or collectively, through consciousness. Consciousness creates experience. You are attempting to raise your consciousness. You have drawn these opportunities to you in order that you might use them as tools in the creation and experiencing of Who You Are. Who You Are is a being of higher consciousness than you are now exhibiting.
Because it is My Will that you should know, and experience, Who You Are, I allow you to draw to yourself whatever event or experience you choose to create in order to do that.
Other Players in the Universal Game join you from time to time—either as Brief Encounters, Peripheral Participants, Temporary Teammates, Long-Term Inter-actors, Relatives and Family, Dearly Loved Ones, or Life Path Partners.
These souls are drawn to you by you. You are drawn to them by them. It is a mutually creative experience, expressing the choices and desires of both.
No one comes to you by accident.
There is no such thing as coincidence.
Nothing occurs at random.
Life is not a product of chance.
Events, like people, are drawn to you, by you, for your own purposes. Larger planetary experiences and developments are the result of group consciousness. They are drawn to your group as a whole as a result of the choices and desires of the group as a whole.
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