Ahhh...vacation....

So, it's not the best pic of me, but I was/am....on vacation! Dad and I were posing for a goofball one while we were camping, this was the result...More pics coming to my Myspace page soon..

So I've been here one week and two days and I only have 6 days left. I know it seems like a long vacation, but it goes by too fast! I LOVE being home. My past sucks. It's why I'm in South Carolina. I have a deep hatred for South Carolina for so many reasons.

Rocket knows most of the story of how I ended up there, but for those of you who don't enjoy:

I was 20 and thought I knew everything. I didn't have a single care in the world, and he was saying all of the right things. "Come visit the Outer Banks of NC, it's beautiful here. It's so laid back," blah blah blah..So instead of visiting, I moved to the Outer Banks of NC while I was on vacation. Literally.

I was visiting my mom in Florida and instead of flying back to MN and then VISITING North Carolina the following week, I changed my plane ticket, and flew to Norfolk, VA for a boy and never looked back. All I had was what was in my suitcase (a bunch of summer clothes) and dreams of finally breaking away from what then seemed to be an overly controlling family, and a horrible lifestyle. (Funny how there was really neither of those things in hindsight, but you know the saying.) I left everything. I left a fully furnished apartment, car, etc..

So there I was, on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. In love, happy, not a care in the world. Got a job, partied my ass off, did a lot of things I shouldn't have done and then things started going south. When his drug addictions started taking away from our relationship, I said, "Peace. I'm out."

I could party and not look for more. David couldn't. After the first year of being there, I kind of "woke up" I guess you could say and started looking towards my future. David was looking for his next bag of pot, and the next party. So I left him. Didn't have a place to live, and shortly after leaving him, didn't have a job. So I was living out of a hotel. LOL. Somehow I had some extra money left, and went hunting for jobs. Enter Sperm Donor.

I was at the salon of all places getting a haircut so I could look my best for interviews, and there he was. I had met S.D. ( I won't call him by his name cause he doesn't deserve it.) We started flirting, flirting led to a drink after we got out of the salon, then we were pretty inseparable after that. Doing a LOT of shit we shouldn't have been doing. This was back in October 2002. Keep in mind I was 21 by this point on the rebound.

Not even a full 3 months later (I had a job by then. Not a good one, but one that paid bills. I bar tended at a country club), I peed and there were two lines. I was preggo. FUCK! After the initial shock, I knew it was time for me to grow up and be mommy and leave the party and trust me, it was ALL one big party. No one in my family was unsupporting. At a time I was sure they were all going to tell me what a fuck up I was, and how was I going to do this, and how me moving away all blew up in my face, no one even hinted at it. Not even my ultra responsible hero Rocket questioned me. This is one of a trillion reasons I LOVE my family. (There's a point to all of this I promise).

So as S.D. was spewing bullshit, and I was lapping it up like a puppy about how he was going to be there for me yada yada yada, I was going through a very difficult first trimester. I had such bad morning sickness (even though the shit lasted all day sometimes) I was hospitalized 3 times to get I.V. fluids because I could not even keep water down. After the third time of S.D. and I getting back from the hospital (keep in mind I didn't have insurance and I couldn't get medicaid because I believed he was going to be there, so they based it off of both our incomes), and he leaves me still weak on the bed or couch to go get high or drunk with his friends, I give in. I call the closest person to rescue me. Mom.

She came to get me the very next day. I offered S.D. to come with us as we had previously discussed it prior to this incident. But S.D. just didn't want to leave the party. "I'll send you money and come visit, etc etc etc." Logan is now almost 4 years old and not once has S.D. called, sent presents, not even a hello, no money, zip.

Am I resentful? Hell no. WE are so much better off without him, and luckily it all led me to Jayk. Logan's daddy. He gets the title. He gets the benefits, and he gets the unwavering love from an awesome three year old and the three year old's mom. Me! LOL.

So what's the point? Yes, I'm getting there.

I love Jayk. I love my son. I HATE South Carolina. It has a crappy education system (the crappiest in the United States) as a matter of fact. Most of the people there I have encountered are so Southern for a lack of better term and the whole atmosphere down there is just warped. People's viewpoints on things suck, they're so old school you would think slavery would still be an option.. Don't even get me started on the dependant Southern Belles that can't even think for themselves. Most women are idiots down there. Sure it's warm and I don't have to shovel blah blah blah. But every year I go on vacation, it is bittersweet on so many levels.

I feel like I don't get enough time to do all the things I love and see and hug all the people I love. I know they say that vacations always go by too fast. But you see, to me it doesn't feel like vacation.

It feels like a brief glimpse or a moment I get to relive again in order to feel whole again. I'm back in the place I love and with the people I love. I'm back in the life I left so many years ago that I thought I hated and have come to find that it is my heart. It is THE life I love. A life I want more than anything to get back to. Jayk understands this on some level and I couldn't be more grateful.

I know things have changed, but at the core of "home" nothing changes. It's where I'm OK. Home is where I'm content. So when I bawl my ass off just thinking about leaving it's because I'm leaving it all over again. When I cry saying good bye to family and friends every year, it's not because I'm afraid I'll never see them again. It's because I'm both happy that I got to see them again and heartbroken that I've missed so much time with them.

Until I can move back (goal is summer of 2009), I must realize everything good comes with an ounce of pain. But I still love my "vacations."