I'll be back...

Hey, I'm MIA for a bit. Extremely stressed out with work again. They are finding ways to fuck with people's money and it hasn't directly affected Jayk or I yet, but I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall. I have a meeting tomorrow to see if it will affect me, but I really don't have the energy to go into it all. I hate that place with a flying passion. Just keep your fingers crossed for me. I will explain more later. Love to all!

Never say Never...

Here's your risque pic Brian! Mwuahahahaha!

So anyway, I really like the class I'm in, Introduction to World Cultures and Social Environments. It's been a pretty easy class. Now just comes the essay. Thankfully my final is based off an interview of someone who is either an immigrant to my home country, a person of a different race or ethnicity, or a person who belongs to a subgroup I do not belong to. So pretty much that's anyone. Lucky for me, I can make mine interesting and interview my momma since she's from French Morrocco. The other plus is it doesn't have to be that long, just 1050-1750 words. I type more than that in my blog sometimes.

Not only do I like this class, but this is the last of my elective classes, then I start into my core program in Human Services! I'm so stoked about this because as we all know, the sooner I get done with my associates, the sooner I can leave the dreaded job I'm in, AND this time next year will be that time. Then onto my bachelor's and master's.

Funny how time changes and things we hated growing up become something we enjoy as adults, and this applies to almost every aspect of life. Think about it, how many of us hated asparagus or some other weird vegetable that made us want to puke? Or had the annoying cousin that made us say "I'm never having kids?" I was one that HATED school and looking back it wasn't the learning I hated, it was the people I was there with.Maybe one day I'll blog about my traumatic days in junior high and high school, right now I'm not ready for that. But the cool thing is now, I actually really enjoy school now and I would be lost without it since I wouldn't have anything else to do. It keeps me on track, and eats up a lot of time that I could be wasting doing something completely unproductive.

You could have asked me 4 years ago if I thought I would be engaged, and I would've said "Fuck no, I hate all men and am never getting married." 3 years ago if you would have asked me if I was going back to school ever, my answer would have been, "I don't have the money or time, and I don't even know how to get started." 5 years ago if you would have asked me if I ever wanted kids, the answer would have been "Nope, I like the ones I can give back at the end of the day, but I don't want one to keep." 10 years ago, I dropped out of high school because I couldn't handle my peers constantly "ruining my life" (yea, I actually thought it was that serious).

Almost everything I said I would never do has become a cherished part of my life. I wonder when we say we're never going to do something if secretly that is what our heart of hearts desires the most.....

M.I.A.

Hey everyone, I know I've been missing lately. I'm in my last two weeks of class again so you know what that means. Things are kind of crazy. I will try to catch up with everyone this weekend. Hope everyone has a great week!

Friday Funnies

So I'm going to try something different before I head off to do all of my errands and clean my house today. We'll see if I can keep up with Friday funnies, I will do my best. If anything else, I just had to share this frickin hilarious video!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

My life as music..

While listening to a shuffle on my play list I came across a song that made me think of my brother Rocket's post a while back that can be found here: http://rocketstarinmpls.blogspot.com/2007/05/i-dont-quite-understand-it.html

Music is one of the best things us monkeys created yes indeedy Rocket. While doing homework and listening to a random shuffle of my music files on my computer, I stopped everything I was doing to close my eyes and listen to this one song. I think I could honestly write an autobiography with music that has touched my life and left an imprint in my soul.

The Samples came on; "Nothing Lasts for Long". That song and I have so many damn memories it almost made me cry just listening to it. But I just sat on the couch with my eyes closed remembering. My dad introduced me to this band along with many others. I got hooked on the No Room album.

Music ties me to places and times I never want to forget. Certain artists, songs, and albums will forever keep memories most would forget alive in my mind. The Samples were a big part of my late teen, really depressed screwed up, early adult years when I didn't know my head from my ass.

I remember so many nights listening to that album outside drinking a beer or mixed drink with my dad and talking about everything under the sun. Going to my dad's was like going to my own private sanctuary to get away from it all. Then there were times I would listen to certain songs and swear that they were written about my life, and it's so amazing how you listen to a song at one age and it molds into a whole other meaning later in life. "Nothing Lasts for Long" is one of those songs.

I burnt so many bridges and learned so many hard lessons growing up, and have spent most of my early adult life trying to repair some of those bridges. I missed so many things I wish I hadn't being a rebellious teenager, that I'll never get back. So even though music brings back good memories and ties you to a place, it can open old wounds no matter how much you love to hear those songs.

One of the best memories I have of the Samples is going to First Ave with my dad and my brother Rocket to hear them play. It was the first and only time I've seen them live. More importantly, it was the first time I ever really "hung out" with my big brother outside of family functions. I don't think he's realized it with all the dysfunctions we've both dealt with in our lives growing up, but I wanted so badly to be like him. I was just too self-centered and envious of him to try to talk to him on his level. So as I grew up and learned everything the hard way, he always lent advice when I needed it whether I took it or not, but as I started making better choices for myself, I noticed our relationship improved too. I just wish I had more moments like the night I saw The Samples with him at First Ave. If I had not been such a selfish bitch, I may have. So as great of a band/song it is, it is an awesomely bittersweet memory that I cherish.

I don't regret my scars or the mistakes I've made, because I've learned from them all. Would I have made choices differently had I known? Wouldn't we all at some point with some thing in our lives? Let's just hope that the band aids are big enough and that time really does heal all wounds......

Screw the weatherman!

This is what I have to say to the weatherman/gods/science that is keeping me from my favorite season: Screw you!

I am willing the chillier air, the beautiful colors, and jeans and sweater weather to come. I have started the spell by cooking my favorite fall meal: Chilli! That's right, damned the 80 degree weather, I will have an autumn mindset! And with this mindset, I am determined to will lower temperatures to my area.

I really hate this time of year down here because autumn is my favorite time of year, and I get deprived of it in Charleston. I hate the heat! I can't wait to dig into that crockpot tomorrow at dinner time!

Maybe if I keep this up, I'll be able to buy and carve a pumpkin without it rotting only after one day. I love Halloween. Pagan or otherwise, it is my favorite holiday. What other day of the year can you dress up as someone other than yourself (even if you do look mildly retarded in the French maid costume) and no one really says anything other than "great costume!"?

I want to live in a place that feels like fall all year round. Does such place exist? The last two days it's been raining like Seattle, hot like Havannah, and sticky like a rainforest. Ick.

On a somewhat happier note but something that will be stressing me out soon enough, Jayk and I drove around and looked at houses for rent. It was fun to look at all the places we could possibly live and what we would do with the places, but then those thoughts inevitably lead into how much money we have to come up with to move in, etc etc. So I just didn't think about that.

So overall, if I could have one wish that didn't involve large sums of money, it would be a toss up for cooler weather down here year round, or instead of wishing on the cosmos, I would wish to move back to MN or WI....hurry up fall....I'm not a patient person.

Where there's a willl..there's a way...

So I haven't done anything illegal to put myself in jail, or have a girlfriend named (Bertha) Mags, I've just been kind of existing. I've pretty much succumbed to the fact that I am going to be stuck at work for a while. I'm going to start putting resumes out there, but just entry level positions only start at 22k-28-k. I could deal with anywhere from 26-28k, but I think that to get those higher end starting salaries, you'd probably at least have to have an associates, field training, or be a kick ass bullshitter during your interview. None of which I have. So, I'm not full-pressing it as much as I wanted to, but I am still looking.

Plus my work has done the latest stupid thing directly to me. They just put me on a team with a supervisor that works Monday through Friday 2PM-11PM, which is fine and dandy because she's really nice. There is one snag, I work 7AM-4PM Saturday through Wednesday. So that means I will have a supervisor 3 days a week for 2 hours a day. Good thing I've been there three years and can work pretty much independently.

I haven't really been blogging because of the dark hole I've been in for a while. I can't help it. I've been stressed about a lot of shit that I prefer not to blog about. Let's just say when everything is going great it all has to blow up in my face. Jayk and I are fine..well kind of. Because he has been down and out about his knee (preventing him from running calls) and I have been stressed about other stuff, our communication has been taking a hit. The only reason is because when I get down and he can't fix it, he gets down and it's just a spiral from there.

Ok, our rental office screwed up and sent a disconnect order to the electric company for our house. It was supposed to be for another house. We got our security deposit back in the end of July with a credit balance. (We didn't know about the mix up in our rental office at that point.) So we just assumed since we've been at this place for a year that we were getting our deposit back because of our good payment history, like what our work does for customer's with security deposits.

Then, right before August rent is due, our office sends us a notice telling us about the mix up and that they paid a partial balance and could we reimburse them. Fine, no biggie. At that point, we call the electric company to see what we DO owe them, and they tell us wait for the next bill because the payment the office made has not hit the account yet. Ok. Fine. Wrong.

We got our bill this month, and they want $478.00! We call them, and they tell us that we weren't supposed to get our deposit back for 2 years not 1 and that we have to repay the deposit, plus the credit balance for July and then August and September's invoices. The deposit is $230. ($5 of that a membership fee, as if we have much choice on who provides our electricity.) I know that there are those much worse off than Jayk and I, but I HATE being screwed with money, and we had used the refund of the deposit for Logan's annual registration fee for school and another bill.

So beyond the $150 I have to come up with for tuition I have this electric bill hanging over my head as well...all due by November 5th. Our rental office sucks. I hate them with a passion because all they have done since we moved in was fuck us over. Now because of them, our holiday season is screwed. I found an alternative to save us, but I'm still pissed because it is one that I didn't want to use.

Everything is screwed up right now, Jayk and I are barely tolerating each other, Logan feels it, and I'm seriously stressed out. I'm beginning to feel like my mother and that is some scary shit. I refuse to grow old and unhappy. I may just call a shrink today. I have found that not only does being an adult blow big time, but I have no coping skills. The tiniest things set me off, and I immediately feel horrible about it because it's usually the two people I care about most, Jayk and Logan, are getting the brunt of it.

Jayk is upset because he has a bum knee. We go for his MRI today but the sports specialist we went and saw last week said it could be one of four things: a tear in his meniscus disc, a tear in his ACL, aggravated cartilage or nothing at all. If it is one of the first two things, he could be out of firefighting anywhere from 3 weeks to a year. So he's pretty bummed out right now, and I know that is weighing heavily on him, since he loves the fire department, he just got certified, and he wants this to be his career. But he's kind of stopped helping around the house and gotten sucked into some online computer game. Oh, and he's been putting food out to thaw meaning to cook it, and then forgets to put it in the fridge when he doesn't cook it that day. (Making the food go bad and then wasting money.) You see the viscous circle?

As I read others blogs and see other people's problems and stuff I feel guilty about my piddly issues. That and the fact that other than what's been bugging me, I haven't really had anything great to say. No one likes a whiner, but I'm seriously down and out. Right before the holidays. Great. Something has got to give. I know I'm a survivor, but I don't want to survive. I want to live. I will figure it out, I just don't know how much damage has already been done....