Following a dream

So Jayk is becoming a volunteer firefighter again. There's something hot about that. (No pun intended.) He's in the beginning stages, but he's finally found a station that can work training around the job that pays the bills. He is beyond thrilled. He's like a kid that just scored the mother load at the candy store.

I am really happy for him. It takes a special person to do their job, much less for free. It's a little scary, and I don't know if I'm ready for all of the activity it will bring to our lives, but it is what he loves, so I will do my best. By activity I mean barbecues, hanging out with the other firefighter wives/girlfriends/etc, the parties. They (the trainer and his wife with whom I work with) make everything sound so fun and community like. She was telling me about running to calls with extra Gatorade for the guys and visiting the station, and dinners, barbecues, and cooking for them, etc etc.

I feel like I'm getting sucked into a secret society that doesn't really fit my personality. It's all just a little much for me to process right now. We just got back from vacation, almost done with our first week back at work, and my head is still spinning. I think my brain is stuck on permanent vacation mode. Work sucks. I thought I would come back all refreshed, but it sucks just as bad if not worse than before I left. I was burning out, and I guess 19 days away wasn't enough time away to appreciate my job and the money it brings in.

I have no desire to be there. I am not happy. I don't know why. It's not PMS. I'm not so much homesick. I'm just not happy.

I want to be excited and happy that Jayk is doing something he loves, and he really does love it. His face lights up talking about it. I want to be excited about all of the new people, and friends, but I don't trust people. Even if they are running into burning buildings with the man I love.

Maybe taking a break from school for two weeks is too much. I have too much time on my hands. I doubt that is what is really bothering me, but I can try to pawn it off on that right? I think I may talk to my financial advisor at school and find more out about student loans. Therefore, I can choose the company I wish to work for. I think I've about had it where I'm at. Or I could just be in a funk.

I hate that feeling where I know I need to get refocused and stay on track, but I really, really don't want to. I want to make a drastic change. I am itching for it. Dying my hair dark again will not be enough. I am having completely random thoughts. I just want something to change, preferably for the better. ...