Soothe

There are so many repetitions of the same emotions throughout our lives, all to different degrees of intensity. Each heartbreak feels worse than the last, each disappointment a worse betrayal than the one before it. Each joyful moment, fewer and further between at times. Yet we keep living. We keep asking for more. All of our happiness and our sorrows make us feel; even when we would rather not.

At times we would like to be emotionless, and pretend that whatever it is doesn't effect us, and at other times we let it consume us. I was told once to hold onto faith, which seems to be fleeting at best and just out of reach some days at most. Yet I do. I hold on to hope, onto faith, but lately it's like a blanket with holes in it. No matter how fast I stitch it back together, I'm already looking at more holes and I'm still cold. I know they will fill as I do, with hope, and with faith, but in the interim my head has begun to overflow with thought...my fingers can not keep up.

Everything is complicated, and nothing is free. This is my life's mantra. Nothing is free, not feelings, not words, not parts of our souls we share. They all come with a price; sometimes big, sometimes small. But each time we give a part of those things out we pay. Sometimes the rewards are great, others minimal if not a shot in the foot.I've learned to be careful with those pieces, and yet every once in a while I still get wounded; we all do. So we put band aids on wounds that are ready to burst and just hope that they never do. Some people use sex, some use drugs, some use meaningless relationships with people searching for the same, some people use words, others music to strengthen the band aid, or for some to lighten the load of what seems the world's weight on their shoulders. I have always used the latter two of the list. They are my favorite band aid, and tonight they soothe.

The two songs below (which can be heard on my play list) are like wearing a favorite pair of jeans or a comfy sweatshirt I've carried with me over the years. The first time I heard them was over 10 years ago. The artist is phenomenal, but these two songs have always spoken the loudest to me throughout life. The CD they came off of bonded a friendship for life, soothed my darkest of days, and now they speak volumes of emotions I've known so many times before...only now the blanket has no more holes.

32 FLAVORS:

Squint your eyes and look closer,

I'm not between you and your ambition,

I am a poster girl with no poster,

I am 32 flavors and them some.

And I am beyond your peripheral vision,

So you might want to turn your head,

Cause some day you are gonna get hungry,

and eat most of the words you just......said..



Both my parents taught me about goodwill,

and I have done well by their name.

Just the kindness I lavish on strangers,

is more than I can explain.

Still there's many who've turned out their porch light,

Just so I would think they were not home,

and hid in the dark of their windows,

til I passed and left them...alone.



And god help you if you are an ugly girl,

Course to pretty is also your doom,

Cause everyone harbours a secret hatred,

for the prettiest girl in the room.

And God help you if you are a phoenix,

and you dare to rise up from the ash,

A thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy,

while you are.. just....flying...



I'm not driving my life meaning, by

demeaning you,

and I would, like to state for the record,

I did everything I could do.

I'm not saying that I am a savior,

I just don't want to live their way,

Oh and I will never be a saint,

but I will always say...



Squint your eyes and look closer...

I'm not between you and your ambition.

I am a poster girl with no poster,

I am 32 flavors and then some.

And I'm beyond your peripheral vision,

So you might want to turn your head,

Cause one day you might find you are starving,

and eating all of the words you just said.

~Ani DiFranco

OVERLAP:

I search your profile,

for a translation,

I study the conversation..

like a map.

Cause I know there is strength

in the differences between us,

and I know there is comfort,

where we overlap..



So come here...

Stand in front of the light,

stand still,

so I can see your silhouette,

and I hope that you have got all night,

cause I am not done looking,

No, I am not done looking..yet.

Each one of us,

wants a piece of the action.

You can hear it what we say,

you can see it in what we do,

We negotiate with chaos,

for some senseless satisfaction,

and if you won't give it to me,

at least give me a better view..



Come here,

stand in front of the light,

stand still,

so I can see your silhouette,

I hope, that you have got all night..

cause I am not done looking,

No, I am not done looking...yet.



And I build each one.. of my songs out of glass,

so you can see me inside of them....

I suppose..

You could just leave the image of me,

in the background... I guess,

and watch your own reflection,

super-imposed..

And I build each one,

of my days out of hope,

and I give that hope your name.

And I don't know you that well,

but it don't take much to tell,

either you don't have the balls,

or you don't feel the same...



Come here.

Stand in front of the light.

Stand still.

So I can see your silhouette.

I hope that you have got all night,

Cause I'm not done looking,

No I'm not done looking...yet.



I search your profile,

for a translation.

I study the conversation,

like a map.

Cause I know there is strength

in the differences between us,

and I know there is comfort,

where we overlap.....

~Ani DiFranco

So Here it is...

Ok, Jayk and I are officially split up.

He finished moving out today and I gave the ring back.. I have found that in life, I am a student of learning everything the hard way. I thought that with changes made that life would be happier and the feelings I used to have for him may reignite. They did not. Again, there was no drama involved, but it all sucks nonetheless. He's a great guy and we are trying to remain "friends". I know, I know, this is the ultimate stab in the heart phrase, but we're going to try.

Yes, I love him. Yes, he's a great guy. He's stable, sober, working on responsible, and he loves me and my son whole-heartedly. We are on two different levels though. He's in-love with me, and I fell out of love with him. Yes, I could have stayed and pretended all was well so I could have a stable life for me and Logan, but that's not fair to any party involved, and I refuse to settle for less than what I want, even if I never do actually find it.

The last few months have been horrible for me. Hence the reason for all of the trapped references and being down in the shits. I'm trying to stay on my feet. I've got a decent savings account going, and I've finally begun to establish some decent credit. I have my first credit card that I refuse to use but once a month maybe, I will just make payments on it to show I have an open, on-time account. It's nothing extravagant as far as credit limits, but at least it's a start!

I still have a 3.something gpa in school and I still have my health and my job, so things can't be too bad. I'm actually applying for a major accounts coordinator position this week at work (corporate collections basically), so please all wish me luck and keep your fingers crossed. It's a pretty substantial raise and Logan and I will really need it come November when the lease is up.

Which leads to my current fear. Making it on my own with a child. I've been squirreling away for a bit, and I'll be putting more in that fund, but I also have a $373 car payment. That is going to royally screw me, but at least I'm saving about $300 a month in childcare since Logan is starting school this year and the after school program is much cheaper.

I know I can do this. I just haven't figured out the how yet. Or at least not all of it. I know that there is no way in hell I can work full time at Verizon, go to school, have a four year old AND work part time somewhere else. I really don't want to move out of this area either since the school I've enrolled him in is a really good school.

So far this year everything has pretty much fallen in my lap or worked out the way it is supposed to and I'm changing the way I view a lot of things as well as the way I DO a lot of things. I feel like a completely different person sometimes. It's just a big jump and I don't have anyone or thing to fall back on but my own arse. That's really scary to me since I can't afford to do that to my son.

Jayk is being kind enough to pay his half the rent until the end of the lease. This helps out a lot and I'm grateful for that. It's what happens afterward that I'm scared of.

I can do this right? Lots of women do it and in worse conditions. I just have to know what I can and cannot sacrafice. I may have to move out of this area, which would blow big time, but I will do what I have to. I don't want to be uncomfortable and living from paycheck to paycheck forever. I want to do right by my son. I will. I know I can. If I could just get rid of this fear...

Can you tell I'm overwhelmed right now? Plus I graduate in October, and can only take a short break before the student loans start kicking in, so at that time comes my bachelors. Oh, and I decided on what I'm going to major in. I'm going for my bachelor's in Social Science with an emphasis in Elementary education or early childhood education.

See lots of HUGE decisions all at once creating total chaos in my life, but I would not be me if I did not live in chaos. Everyone says don't make major decisions suddenly, which I didn't. I thought them all out very carefully, I just executed them all at once because one I have no patience, and two, it wouldn't really work any other way.

This is so not where I thought I would be at 27, almost 28 years old, but I try to remind myself it could be a hell of a lot worse. So I'm not religious, and I won't ask you to pray for me or any cliche like that, but just think happy thoughts and send them my way pretty please! I have a lot of shit to go through yet. Breaking up was the easy part. It's my new life that's gonna be tough! Grrrr! Growling just made me feel a little better. LOL

So though I'm a busy, screwed up woman at the moment, be prepared for some weird, random, and most likely stressing/venting days to come.

That said, I would like to thank my blogging buddies who have come to check on me from time to time or emailed me to do the same. I suck at response, but y'alls support means a lot! Thank you!