Reflections

At times when I looked in the mirror, I saw who I thought I wanted to be. I saw who I thought I was, and at times, I couldn't even look in the mirror because I didn't know who I was looking at.

Life's lessons have molded me into the woman I am today. So has the unconditional love of a boy and a man who understand and can always see the "inner" me if you will. Even if I don't recognize her at times, they do, and they shower me with joy and love regardless of the fight I put up until I'm reminded she exists. I've learned a lot in my life, but looking back at this year, I've learned more than I ever have before.

So much has been endured in my life this year, so much change, and so many lessons faced as challenges have taught me so much. When I look in the mirror now, I finally just see me. The best part about it, is I'm totally cool with that and I never have been before. I love my imperfections, because without them I'd be boring. It's like life, without mistakes and challenges, my life would be boring.

So this year, looking back, I am thankful for everything. I am in love with and married to a man that I am in awe of everyday. If there is one person in this entire world meant for one another, he was meant for me. It all started with a light of a cigarette, and my life changed forever. We share a humble, but honest and happy life. Even in our struggles with material things and finances, or bad days at the office, we can still look at each other and smile. No matter what, what we have will always be. And it will always be worth smiling about.

We have an amazing little boy. The reality of parenting hit me at the first diaper, but watching our son's mind mold into that of a little boy seemingly a man somedays is amazing. He quickly reminds us that he's watching our every move and we have to be there with him and for him every step of the way. We are teaching him to live, to be a little person, to make his own decisions, to feel, to show love, to do everything. It's quite apparent the seriousness of our tasks as parents to lead by example, and damnit, if I may pat myself on the back, I'm thrilled with the outcomes so far!

I have a family that has been my support, my friends, my cheering squad, and my biggest critics. They're pro's at wearing all hats with me, because until recently all of them were required at the drop of a dime. ;)

This year I have made some amazing friends that I love enough to consider family, lost some that were never really friends in the first place, and re-enforced my belief that it's not the quantity of friends but the quality, and for that I am especially thankful. It helps me keep perspective that everyone can take a piece of your heart, but not everyone can take care of it.

It may seem like I'm painting a canvas of a picture perfect life. In reality my life is not what some would consider perfect, and I don't see it as PERFECT, but I'm ok with my life. I'm quite happy with it and every single one of its challenges, and that is what makes it perfect. So as this year approaches its end and we head into the holiday season, I've done some serious reflecting. There is not just one thing I am most thankful for. I am thankful for everything.

Tomorrow morning when my husband gets home, and I cook our Thanksgiving feast and spend the day with those I love the most, I'll simply just be thankful for my life and the way it has turned out so far.

I'm still here!

Why don't cars only have 3 wheels or regular bicycles have 3 wheels? Because the third one just causes problems. Jayk and I have pretty much been through hell and back over the past couple of months. The important thing is we realized we have something worth fighting for and working through all of the hard stuff that comes our way, and we are making our life ours again.

Part of us splitting up was my fault (well a lot of it was my fault) but moreover it was because we invited a third wheel to be a part of our life. (No crazy threesomes or anything) but someone we considered a friend, a very close one at that played with us. Like we were toys or a chess game that he could pit us against each other with .Then we found out the hard way how deep the meaning of the phrase "misery loves company" really flows. The extent of it, I don't wish to go into but after we finally smartened up to what he was doing, we could not figure out which one of us was lied to more.

I had everything. A man who loves me and my son more than anything, a nice home, a job that pays the bills, and a great GPA to get me an even better job. Now, I'm getting it back, holding on with dear life, and cherishing every moment and every part of it, even the parts that suck at times. Why? Because they are mine.

I was so far in a dark hole that I didn't realize I put myself in it and was the only one that could get me out of it. May sound cliche, but I lost what I considered everything I had ever wanted in life, because of seeds planted and lies told. Thankfully the pain of losing that was enough for me to take my head out of my ass and start communicating with my future husband.

Life is very difficult, and complicated, and I know though I have not lived through as much as some, or been through as much emotionally as others, we all have our levels of tolerence, and though we all learn different lessons throughout our crazy rides called life, I hope to think that one day all of my cliff notes will make a difference somewhere and somehow in someone's life.

So our saga continues..LOL I'm still here and doing much better, but I'll leave you with these questions... Why is it when someone plants a seed in your mind sometimes no matter how strong you think you are against it, it ends up being a virus that takes control of your system? Are we all really like computers with vulnerabilities that allow for others to hack into our systems and grow their virus by picking away at our thoughts, feelings, and emotions? How different are we from robots? Are we really naive enough to think we can't be conditioned? If you say no, then what do you say of parenting?

Soothe

There are so many repetitions of the same emotions throughout our lives, all to different degrees of intensity. Each heartbreak feels worse than the last, each disappointment a worse betrayal than the one before it. Each joyful moment, fewer and further between at times. Yet we keep living. We keep asking for more. All of our happiness and our sorrows make us feel; even when we would rather not.

At times we would like to be emotionless, and pretend that whatever it is doesn't effect us, and at other times we let it consume us. I was told once to hold onto faith, which seems to be fleeting at best and just out of reach some days at most. Yet I do. I hold on to hope, onto faith, but lately it's like a blanket with holes in it. No matter how fast I stitch it back together, I'm already looking at more holes and I'm still cold. I know they will fill as I do, with hope, and with faith, but in the interim my head has begun to overflow with thought...my fingers can not keep up.

Everything is complicated, and nothing is free. This is my life's mantra. Nothing is free, not feelings, not words, not parts of our souls we share. They all come with a price; sometimes big, sometimes small. But each time we give a part of those things out we pay. Sometimes the rewards are great, others minimal if not a shot in the foot.I've learned to be careful with those pieces, and yet every once in a while I still get wounded; we all do. So we put band aids on wounds that are ready to burst and just hope that they never do. Some people use sex, some use drugs, some use meaningless relationships with people searching for the same, some people use words, others music to strengthen the band aid, or for some to lighten the load of what seems the world's weight on their shoulders. I have always used the latter two of the list. They are my favorite band aid, and tonight they soothe.

The two songs below (which can be heard on my play list) are like wearing a favorite pair of jeans or a comfy sweatshirt I've carried with me over the years. The first time I heard them was over 10 years ago. The artist is phenomenal, but these two songs have always spoken the loudest to me throughout life. The CD they came off of bonded a friendship for life, soothed my darkest of days, and now they speak volumes of emotions I've known so many times before...only now the blanket has no more holes.

32 FLAVORS:

Squint your eyes and look closer,

I'm not between you and your ambition,

I am a poster girl with no poster,

I am 32 flavors and them some.

And I am beyond your peripheral vision,

So you might want to turn your head,

Cause some day you are gonna get hungry,

and eat most of the words you just......said..



Both my parents taught me about goodwill,

and I have done well by their name.

Just the kindness I lavish on strangers,

is more than I can explain.

Still there's many who've turned out their porch light,

Just so I would think they were not home,

and hid in the dark of their windows,

til I passed and left them...alone.



And god help you if you are an ugly girl,

Course to pretty is also your doom,

Cause everyone harbours a secret hatred,

for the prettiest girl in the room.

And God help you if you are a phoenix,

and you dare to rise up from the ash,

A thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy,

while you are.. just....flying...



I'm not driving my life meaning, by

demeaning you,

and I would, like to state for the record,

I did everything I could do.

I'm not saying that I am a savior,

I just don't want to live their way,

Oh and I will never be a saint,

but I will always say...



Squint your eyes and look closer...

I'm not between you and your ambition.

I am a poster girl with no poster,

I am 32 flavors and then some.

And I'm beyond your peripheral vision,

So you might want to turn your head,

Cause one day you might find you are starving,

and eating all of the words you just said.

~Ani DiFranco

OVERLAP:

I search your profile,

for a translation,

I study the conversation..

like a map.

Cause I know there is strength

in the differences between us,

and I know there is comfort,

where we overlap..



So come here...

Stand in front of the light,

stand still,

so I can see your silhouette,

and I hope that you have got all night,

cause I am not done looking,

No, I am not done looking..yet.

Each one of us,

wants a piece of the action.

You can hear it what we say,

you can see it in what we do,

We negotiate with chaos,

for some senseless satisfaction,

and if you won't give it to me,

at least give me a better view..



Come here,

stand in front of the light,

stand still,

so I can see your silhouette,

I hope, that you have got all night..

cause I am not done looking,

No, I am not done looking...yet.



And I build each one.. of my songs out of glass,

so you can see me inside of them....

I suppose..

You could just leave the image of me,

in the background... I guess,

and watch your own reflection,

super-imposed..

And I build each one,

of my days out of hope,

and I give that hope your name.

And I don't know you that well,

but it don't take much to tell,

either you don't have the balls,

or you don't feel the same...



Come here.

Stand in front of the light.

Stand still.

So I can see your silhouette.

I hope that you have got all night,

Cause I'm not done looking,

No I'm not done looking...yet.



I search your profile,

for a translation.

I study the conversation,

like a map.

Cause I know there is strength

in the differences between us,

and I know there is comfort,

where we overlap.....

~Ani DiFranco

So Here it is...

Ok, Jayk and I are officially split up.

He finished moving out today and I gave the ring back.. I have found that in life, I am a student of learning everything the hard way. I thought that with changes made that life would be happier and the feelings I used to have for him may reignite. They did not. Again, there was no drama involved, but it all sucks nonetheless. He's a great guy and we are trying to remain "friends". I know, I know, this is the ultimate stab in the heart phrase, but we're going to try.

Yes, I love him. Yes, he's a great guy. He's stable, sober, working on responsible, and he loves me and my son whole-heartedly. We are on two different levels though. He's in-love with me, and I fell out of love with him. Yes, I could have stayed and pretended all was well so I could have a stable life for me and Logan, but that's not fair to any party involved, and I refuse to settle for less than what I want, even if I never do actually find it.

The last few months have been horrible for me. Hence the reason for all of the trapped references and being down in the shits. I'm trying to stay on my feet. I've got a decent savings account going, and I've finally begun to establish some decent credit. I have my first credit card that I refuse to use but once a month maybe, I will just make payments on it to show I have an open, on-time account. It's nothing extravagant as far as credit limits, but at least it's a start!

I still have a 3.something gpa in school and I still have my health and my job, so things can't be too bad. I'm actually applying for a major accounts coordinator position this week at work (corporate collections basically), so please all wish me luck and keep your fingers crossed. It's a pretty substantial raise and Logan and I will really need it come November when the lease is up.

Which leads to my current fear. Making it on my own with a child. I've been squirreling away for a bit, and I'll be putting more in that fund, but I also have a $373 car payment. That is going to royally screw me, but at least I'm saving about $300 a month in childcare since Logan is starting school this year and the after school program is much cheaper.

I know I can do this. I just haven't figured out the how yet. Or at least not all of it. I know that there is no way in hell I can work full time at Verizon, go to school, have a four year old AND work part time somewhere else. I really don't want to move out of this area either since the school I've enrolled him in is a really good school.

So far this year everything has pretty much fallen in my lap or worked out the way it is supposed to and I'm changing the way I view a lot of things as well as the way I DO a lot of things. I feel like a completely different person sometimes. It's just a big jump and I don't have anyone or thing to fall back on but my own arse. That's really scary to me since I can't afford to do that to my son.

Jayk is being kind enough to pay his half the rent until the end of the lease. This helps out a lot and I'm grateful for that. It's what happens afterward that I'm scared of.

I can do this right? Lots of women do it and in worse conditions. I just have to know what I can and cannot sacrafice. I may have to move out of this area, which would blow big time, but I will do what I have to. I don't want to be uncomfortable and living from paycheck to paycheck forever. I want to do right by my son. I will. I know I can. If I could just get rid of this fear...

Can you tell I'm overwhelmed right now? Plus I graduate in October, and can only take a short break before the student loans start kicking in, so at that time comes my bachelors. Oh, and I decided on what I'm going to major in. I'm going for my bachelor's in Social Science with an emphasis in Elementary education or early childhood education.

See lots of HUGE decisions all at once creating total chaos in my life, but I would not be me if I did not live in chaos. Everyone says don't make major decisions suddenly, which I didn't. I thought them all out very carefully, I just executed them all at once because one I have no patience, and two, it wouldn't really work any other way.

This is so not where I thought I would be at 27, almost 28 years old, but I try to remind myself it could be a hell of a lot worse. So I'm not religious, and I won't ask you to pray for me or any cliche like that, but just think happy thoughts and send them my way pretty please! I have a lot of shit to go through yet. Breaking up was the easy part. It's my new life that's gonna be tough! Grrrr! Growling just made me feel a little better. LOL

So though I'm a busy, screwed up woman at the moment, be prepared for some weird, random, and most likely stressing/venting days to come.

That said, I would like to thank my blogging buddies who have come to check on me from time to time or emailed me to do the same. I suck at response, but y'alls support means a lot! Thank you!

I'm alive!

Hey everyone, I just wanted to drop a note since it's been over a month since I've posted. School is getting tougher and tougher and I just want it to be done. Jayk and I split temporarily and are again trying to patch things up.

He starts his first position as a career fire fighter with North Charleston Fire Department tomorrow, so things have been kinda up in the air and crazy for a while. I'm just trying to concentrate on school and getting things back to right if that's possible.

I'll try to post more since I have plenty to spew on my mind. ;) Miss and love you all, and will try to comment more if anything!

One of my FAVORITE things....

I used to be terrified of thunderstorms as a child, and remember many a time when I would cry to my mom that daddy shouldn't be leaving during the storm. Whether my dad loves thuderstorms as much as I do now or if it was just he wanted to get out of the house, I can now as an adult relate to his passion of thunderstorms. My dad showed me how to appreciate them and kind of study them as a hobby.

He cured my fears of thunderstorms one summer eve by driving me down to his work and taking me up on the roof during one. My mom probably wanted to murder him, but to me it was one of the very first times (at least that I can remember) I've ever felt that close to my dad. It was "our" moment. Just him, me, and the sky. It took a while for my dad and I to have the relationship we do now for reasons I could not begin to list in this blog, but thunderstorms are a very special way for me to tie memories to him, friends, families, moments, and most of all home.




What is it about thunderstorms that excites people? Especially me? I wonder if it is the unrelenting power of Mother Nature and the threat that it could all come crashing down just like the thunder does as the clouds roll in. I love the way it smells right before the rain, and I'm always half mesmerized at how still everything gets right before the sky opens up and lashes out at us. This picture above reminds me of staying at a friends house on Lake Minnetonka and watching a good one.




I mean look at that. Currently we are under a tornado warning, and when some would be worried, I am tempted to go for a walk down the middle of my street and look for one. I just love the power of it. When I was a teenager, my best friend and I would hear of a severe weather warning we'd hop in her Pontiac Sunfire with a bunch of our favorite tunes and go try to find the worst part of the storm. I love how this pic shows the city line. Makes me think of home, and how the skyline looks there during a storm.




There's something amazing and indescribable about a good storm. Usually whenever a sever thunderstorm/tornado warning hits this area, I get let down and it's a barely-there one or none at all. Tonight I wait for 35 more minutes until the warning is up, and I'm anxious. Something big is stirring not only outside, but somewhere inside of me. I just have to figure out how to let it all out......I wonder if Mother Nature feels like I do, just ready to unleash everything to just let it go...Oh how I love the rain...

Pollen Pollen everywhere...Damn Allergies!

Allergy season blows. There is so much pine pollen in the air down here, it's pointless to wash your car. You can wash it and 5 minutes later it will be some shade of your car only with a lot more yellow. It's so gross, and my sinuses hate it.

On another note, I'm thinking about applying at the passport center. I think it is just what I need at this point in my life. Quiet, off the phones, don't have to deal with people too much, and it would be Mon-Fri with holidays off. I think it's exactly what I need. In fact, I'm posting my resume tonight. Oh yea, there's the perk that it gives me security clearance and gets me into the government system, so that could help me avoid a few hoops in the future when I try to be in the education system. Maybe, I don't know. But I do know that I'm ready for a change.

To be even more random, I'm getting my eyes checked. I'm thinking geeky but chic frames. LOL

I have too much crap in my brain right now to post a coherent blog. Hope everyone is having a great week.